*Jazz Hands* Mom

I cried today. I don’t do that very often. I DESPISE crying. I think it was good for me this time though.

Sometimes tears are cleansing and wash away what’s blocking our vision.

What was blocking my vision, as it has many times, was how the world/certain people see me.

It’s so, so very easy to see ourselves as others make us feel.

How often do we feel that we are worthless because someone didn’t treat us as though we were valuable? How often do we feel ugly because someone didn’t see our beauty? How often do we feel unlovable because someone couldn’t find room for us in their hearts?

We hear these messages…whether they are delivered with intent or recklessly…and we internalize them. “This person sees me as this…and they obviously see me more clearly than I see myself…so that must be what/all I am.”

But that’s not how HE sees me. How does He see me?

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. ~ Song of Solomon 4:7

God doesn’t make mistakes. God created me as I am because that was who He wanted me to be. He could never see me as worthless, because He put me here with purpose. He sees me as beautiful because I look as He made me. He sees me as wise because I speak the words He inspires in me. He sees me as loveable because He loves me unconditionally and eternally.

I want to see myself through His eyes.

I want to try every day to remind myself who’s voice I should be hearing in my mind. It is not the voices that tear me down that should be on repeat. It is the voice of the one who will always lift me up.

When someone makes me doubt my worth or my purpose, I want to immediately know…”You may believe that but He doesn’t make mistakes. I have worth. I am beautiful. I am loveable. I am loved.”

And then…because I am nothing if not the picture of grace and maturity that He made me…I’ll only stick my tongue out at them on the inside…or maybe behind my hand…depends on my mood.

But I’m glad I cried today.

A couple of months ago I never would have thought I’d say these words, but…

I love Thursday mornings.

I’ll start this by saying, I have a long standing belief that people need to know when they’ve impacted you. Whether we like to admit it or not…we all want to know that we’re seen…and that we’re appreciated. So…with the end in mind…

This time of year I have a fairly strict schedule in order to get things done. Between being a single mom, an accountant with a 60-65 billable hour requirement during tax season, loving to work out, and being a full time student…plus, add in this year, a home remodel…I don’t have a lot of extra time in the day.

So…this time of year…Get up between 3 and 3:30 am. If I’m not working out, I’m in the office by 4:30 at the latest. Study and do homework until between 6 or 7 depending on the schoolwork I have and the client work I have. Work until between 5 and 8 pm (again depending on workload), unless I have school from 6-9:15….or Bella has appointments….or….or…or…..yeah, February – April are my sleepy months. lol

But I make it work. (And this is the last year I’ll have to make the school part work.)

But, this year…my Thursday schedule got thrown for a loop. For reasons beyond my control, I can’t be at work on Thursdays until one of my bosses gets there. That’s usually 7…some days it’s around 8:30. He always lets me know so the day before so there won’t be any slipups.

This immediately means I’ve lost between 2.5 and 4 hours of productivity because, honestly, I don’t study well at home. There’s too much to clean. lol Unfortunately, not many places are open that early in the morning…so I started a new tradition.

Thursday mornings with Tetresa

Who’s Tetresa? Tetresa is the amazing woman at Goldberg’s that makes my Thursday mornings something that I look forward to.

It started about a month ago. It was the first Thursday where the boss wouldn’t be in until 8:30 and I needed to go SOMEWHERE. So, I decided to try out the Goldberg’s near my work.

The poor waitress (Tetresa)….some people are just awful…and those people tend to take it out on waitstaff more often than not. And she just looked frazzled and stressed and you could tell people hadn’t been very nice.

But Tetresa still came over with a smile…she took my order and I asked her if it would be ok if I stayed for a couple of hours. She said it was more than ok and she checked back on me many times to see how I was. Truly, she was a gem even in her stress. I always try to tip well, but between the morning I could tell she was having, the service, and the fact that I’d stolen her table for so long….I left her a tip about the size of my check. lol

The next Thursday I figured, “Hey….I might as well go back to Goldberg’s even if it’s only for an hour.” I walked in and she greeted me at the door. “By the way, I’m Tetresa.” “Hi, Tetresa, I’m Sheri!” I sat down and she came to bring me a cup of coffee. When I laughed and exclaimed, “Nooooooooooooo!!! I’m allergic to coffee!!” “Oh that’s right! You drink tea!” She brought me my tea right out and we both set to our own work.

Then last week…I come in…right when they open at 6 am…she asks if she’s right that I like green tea. I tell her yes and ask for Splenda. She smiles big and brings me my breakfast and, again, we set about to our work. But, I made a decision that morning.

Because of the aforementioned belief that people need to KNOW when they impact you and they need to KNOW that they are seen and appreciated, I left Tetresa a note with her tip.

I told her that I believe in letting people know when they’ve really impacted someone in a positive way. I told her in short how my Thursdays had gotten a bit messed up…I told her how I’d been dreading an entire tax season of trying to make this work…and then I told her how SHE had given me something to look forward to on Thursdays. I thanked her just for being her and for giving me something to smile about on Thursday mornings.

This morning I came in. I sat down and…without skipping a beat…Tetresa brought me my green tea and a plate of Splenda packs. “Did I get it right??” “You did!! Thank you!!” And now we go about our work…coexisting…both feeling a little better about the world we live in this morning.

And that’s the kind of thing that makes me smile on a random Thursday morning that looks the same to everyone else in this world.

So today I challenge you…whomever it is that gives you a reason to believe in the world and gives you a reason to smile for even a second…whether you know them or not…thank them and let them know what they’ve done for you. It may be the only kindness they see that day.

*/silly Hippie Sheri moment

*jazz hands*

This one is for me.

I lie here remembering my faith and my trust. I remind myself again that God has never let me completely fall. And I pray that I can stay strong in the face of no answers.

I saw the cardiologist. He said something is definitely not right. He isn’t worried about blockages because of my age and fitness level, but…as I was afraid…his first concern was, “You do know Lyme can damage the heart, right?” Yup…I know. He says there’s a very good chance it’s NOT that, though, and he promises that we will find the answers. I liked him more than most doctors. He listens and you can tell he cares. I believe him.

But I also left there with a heart monitor strapped to me for the next 7 days so they can track what my heart does. So, that’s kind of scary. (And borderline hilarious because I finally agreed to go on a date with someone this weekend…and I’m NOT going on a date with a heart monitor, so…I hear you, God. Loud and clear. Lol)

But…scarier than the heart monitor is my family. My father is scared. We both make jokes, because that’s what we do, but he’s scared. To the point that when I asked him to make sure Bella is taken care of, he didn’t call me dramatic. He just promised she’ll be ok. I called my brother…reminded him that he’s in charge of doling life insurance out to Bella…he didn’t yell at me for being stupid…he just said ok.

Odds are I’m going to be FINE and this is nothing more than a blip…but there is something truly terrifying about those two men not telling me I’m being a drama queen. Lol

Anyway, God has this covered. His plan is what it is, and He has put the right doctors where they need to be.

Let go and Let God, right?

But I think he’ll understand if I still cry a little and desperately wish for a real hug.

Disclaimer: My teenager said if I ever wrote about her she’d murder me in my sleep. But…this site IS called called “Jazz Hands MOM” and she also found out she gets the life insurance as long as I don’t die by her hands…so, I’ll risk it… (P.S. She just read this disclaimer and approved it. Police, you heard that!!)

Annnnyyyywayyyy…it’s been a good morning with my Bug. First, I woke up at 2 am to her music BLASTING. So, I went in her room and asked her to turn it down. <insert teenage screaming> “GETTTT OUTTTT!!! YOU COULD HAVE TEXTED ME THAT!!!!!” Ok….

Wake up at 3:30 am…(on purpose) and her music is still going. So I text her, “Please come here.” She came right away. “Bella, I have to ask you a question…” “Ok…” “Are you on drugs?” She. Lost. It. “Hahahahahahaha No!!! I mean…I kinda wish…*giggle*… Why?!?!?!” “The screaming at me to get out of your room…” “Dude you SCARED ME!!!” 😂

An hour later. “Mom, can we get breakfast?” “We can…if you go to my workout with me after…” “I am NOT exercising.” “I know…but I can’t run, so we’ll heckle people together while they run laps.” “Deal.”

*start to car*

“Bella, I’m going to the car.” “Nooooo!!! Don’t leave me alone!!!” “Ummmmm…Bug…did we forget to cut the umbilical cord??” “You’re so annoying…*opens trash can* There’s no trash bag, I can’t throw this away.” “Sooooo…I’m annoying…but you can’t throw something away because there’s not already a bag in there…You’re never moving out, are you?” “Nope.”

*get in car* *start driving*

“Mom, I’m terrified of being a minivan person. Like…I NEVER want to get married and have kids and wind up in a minivan life.” “Did I ever do that?” “No…you’re chill, but still…that’s my biggest fear…I want to be with someone and live a life of adventure…like Bonnie and Clyde.” “Or Thelma and Louise?” “Bonnie and Clyde.” “Either way you wind up dead.” *laughs* “Fair. But I don’t want kids.” “So I won’t get grandkids?” “What part of no kids…” “Here me out…find a friend a few years younger than you without a mom…tell her you’ll be her mom…then I get to be her grandma…and you guys can draw me pictures. This life you live sounds druggy, so I’m sure the pictures will be cool.” “Deal.”

So…that’s my morning sitting across from this kiddo of mine. It’s not a traditional relationship, but it’s perfect for us. ❤

Edited to Add: Bella read this and was literally shaking with laughter. I think my life is safe. Today.

I think I confuse people. I’m this woman who will sit there and make the crudest of jokes and laugh over things you would never discuss in church. And yet…I’m also this woman who has fairly unshakeable faith.

Some people think those two things don’t fit together. I disagree.

We discussed this in my first blog…God made me who I am, 12 year old boy sense of humor and all. I quote my favorite movie quite often:

“Remember: even God has a sense of humor. Just look at the Platypus.”

So, yes…I am who God made me. I am imperfect, yet loved. I am flawed and never forsaken.

And He has a plan for me…for all of us…from the moment we are born until the moment we are reunited with Him…we have free will, but if we are willing to trust in Him and follow his plan…it all has purpose.

In moments like now, I cling to that belief. In times of fear, I think back to other times of fear and doubt…I think back to the things I got through that I thought would break me…I reminisce on how one day I looked up…realized I had survived…and saw the purpose behind it all.

It started at 10 months old. His plan was set in action before then, but that’s when it began on earth. The day my mom took us. At almost 11, when I found out my life was a lie, I didn’t think I’d ever survive it. I didn’t understand God fully then. I had been raised in an atheist household with a little Bible I’d been given at school…that I would hide in a closet and read on Sundays because I wanted to understand. But, even with just my own knowledge and teachings, I had faith that he existed…

But I didn’t understand that He had a plan.

It took years for me to understand the plan, but as…years later…I continue to watch it unfold, I understand that every puzzle piece was next to form the final picture.

I had to be taken for many reasons. A large chunk of that is…I believe God has us survive tribulations so that we can help His other children survive tribulations. That is one thing I’m good at. I know how to help…I know how to use my experiences to benefit others.

But…beyond that…

If I hadn’t been taken…I’d never have lived in Georgia…if I hadn’t lived in Georgia I never would have met my ex husband…if I hadn’t met my ex husband I wouldn’t have my daughter…if I hadn’t divorced, quite honestly? I never would have really learned to know and love myself. If I hadn’t learned to know and love myself then none of the AMAZING people He has put in my life would be here.

It all flows like a river. A tumultuous, rock laden river…that ends in a glorious pool of the end plan.

So, I remind myself of this now. I remind myself that He always has a plan. I remind myself that I have never lost faith and…really…

If you lose faith and trust in times of fear, it was never faith and trust at all.

I don’t understand what’s happening with my body. I am downright terrified of what is happening with my heart. I am hopeful that the Cardiologist will have answers for me. But…even if he doesn’t…I remind myself…

If I continue to believe and remember that even this is part of God’s plan for me…I just have to let go…and let God.

I trust.

I’ll preface this by saying, I’m not saying astrology is bunk. I’ve seen too many times of my teenager being COMPLETELY BULL HEADED to discount the Taurus in her.

That being said…Y’ALL…STOP IT. 🤣

How many of these posts do you see?

“I do <insert dumbass shit>, but it’s not my fault because I’m a(n) <insert sign>!!!”

Stahhhhhp!!!

Sometimes I like to do this thing. I like to look at EVERY description on the meme on question.

For instance…

Hey! I’m optimistic, but sometimes short tempered! I must be an Aries! Wait, no…that’s not quite right…

Oh! I’m definitely loyal and self indulgent!! I’m a Taurus!! No…

Holy shit, I’m maternal and too emotional…I’M A CANCER!!! Or…

You get the point.

I match all of these at one point or another. As do you.

Ladies, look at these next 3…be honest…you relate to all of these, don’t you? OH MY GOD THAT’S SO ME!!! But you wouldn’t look at it if it didn’t have your sign on it.

OMG, THEY’RE ALL SO ME!!!

Wait…that’s not how this should work…

We are who we are. I do believe our time of birth plays a small part in it. Our experiences and lives play a much bigger part in it.

Look, all I’m saying is…the next time you burn down your ex’s house…don’t blame it on being a Scorpio. 😉

P.S. If you’re an Aries, Gemini, Libra or Sagitarius… Call me… 😉

Getting this out where probably no one will see it because I’m not sharing it to the Facebook page. Lol

I’m scared. My heart giving out has been my biggest fear since getting Lyme. I’ve always known that IF the Lyme ever took me out, it would be my heart.

And now…with doctors writing “stat” on my orders…and my father asking me if I need him here…it just feels too real…too possible.

I feel like when Bella and I sat under an underpass through a tornado. Me sitting there, crying on the inside, while it seemed like the whole world was about to blow apart…holding her hand and telling her there’s nothing to worry about.

I don’t know what this storm is going to bring. I know there’s definitely going to be some wind…but will it be just enough wind to give me a breeze when I can run again? Or will it be gusts of wind that level my world?

Guess I’ll find out Monday…

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. That urge to just completely disappear. It comes with the territory of anxiety….that calling…to become invisible.

Anxiety is the simultaneous wish to disappear to see if anyone will care and the horrible fear of being invisible and no one noticing your absence.

You guys…I’m tired of that feeling. I thought I had fought it and won. I thought, when I really started making a life for myself here in the last year or so, that my urge to disappear and be invisible had finally left.

It hasn’t. It was masked…very well…by this feeling of belonging. This feeling that I had found my place and found my people. This feeling that I had something to offer.

The stupid thing, as I sit here snorting at myself as I type, is that I know that I still have plenty to offer. I (usually) know that I have friends who love me. But…

Not being able to do the things that I normally do with my friends, because my body appears to have betrayed me… I feel useless…I feel invisible…and I feel like disappearing again.

I keep catching myself in these thoughts.

I could just disappear…

I could stop showing up…

They’re all probably tired of me anyway…

Hell, if I didn’t know that everything going on with me was real because I’m living it, I’d think I was a drama queen…who wants to spend time around a drama queen?

I did really well as a hermit for years…I could go back to that…they’ll be glad I did…they just don’t want to say it…

Around and around and around we go…where my brain will stop…nobody knows…

It’s exhausting. It makes me feel like I’m losing it.

And, yet…I can’t stop it…because if I can’t do the things that I love to be able to do…I don’t even want to be around me…so why should anyone else?

I don’t actually know how to end this blog post…because I don’t know how to end the feelings behind it.

Sooooo… *jazz hands*

So…yesterday I wrote a blog…because that’s what I do. I was rather proud of this particular blog, “An Ode to Online Dating” because it rhymed and it made me giggle.

I mean, really, how can you go wrong with lines like, “I was ready to give it a shot/ I was ready to try my luck/ But then I got the messages…/ That make you say “What the fuck?”

Anyone who’s ever tried online dating KNOWS THESE FEELS!!

So, today…being a bored blogger…I decided to take a few dollars and boost that post.

But, alas and anon…Zuckerberg’s algorithm said, “Nein! No boosting for you!!!” (In my mind the algorithm is like a computerized Nazi…)

Why, you may ask?

Was it because I swore? Nope.

Was it because it’s bad poetry? AS IF!!

Was it because I’m not funny? Seriously…no.

It was because the url doesn’t match that of an online dating site.

Dafuq?

It’s NOT an online dating site. It’s MAKING FUN of online dating sites.

But Heir Algorithm out there is apparently die analphabetin. Which is German for illiterate.

The more you know.

I used to have such high hopes

That one day I’d find a catch

With any of these online sites

Like OKCupid, Bumble or Match.

But then I went and signed right up

Wrote out a profile that was great

I found my nerdiest pictures

And set out to catch a fish with bait

I tried to be really honest

I tried to let my nerdy side show

I kept it real and made myself laugh

What they were getting into they should know

I was ready to give it a shot

I was ready to try my luck

But then I got the messages…

That make you say “What the fuck?”

“I’m better looking than you,

And probably have more wit…”

I swear to God one started that way

I can’t make up any of this shit.

The guys who live 4 states away

The guys who live with their moms

The guys who are looking for hookups

The guys you worry are making bombs.

The guys who are wearing no shirts

(Good Lord, please put it back on)

The guys drinking in every picture

The guys who think they are Don Juan.

The guys with sunglasses in every pose

Dude, let me see your eyes!

The guys who go right for it

And say they want you to open your thighs.

The guys with no teeth

The guys with no brain…

Oddly still more attractive than

The ones from whom posting any info do refrain

Your profile is so negative

You obviously still hate your ex wife

You say you don’t like drama

But your profile is full of strife

Do you sleep with your sister?

The inbred is running deep.

Why are you taking pictures

As you pretend to sleep?

You obviously didn’t read my profile

“Heh, you’re hot” is not an ice breaker

You look so damn cocky

I think your ex was a good faker

I know I’m no spring chicken

And from the litter may not have my pick

But…dear Match and every other site,

I will not settle for a dick.

And so single I shall remain

I give up, this shit is whack!

Wait…I’m a little bored…

Maybe I’ll message that dude back…