*Jazz Hands* Mom

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. That urge to just completely disappear. It comes with the territory of anxiety….that calling…to become invisible.

Anxiety is the simultaneous wish to disappear to see if anyone will care and the horrible fear of being invisible and no one noticing your absence.

You guys…I’m tired of that feeling. I thought I had fought it and won. I thought, when I really started making a life for myself here in the last year or so, that my urge to disappear and be invisible had finally left.

It hasn’t. It was masked…very well…by this feeling of belonging. This feeling that I had found my place and found my people. This feeling that I had something to offer.

The stupid thing, as I sit here snorting at myself as I type, is that I know that I still have plenty to offer. I (usually) know that I have friends who love me. But…

Not being able to do the things that I normally do with my friends, because my body appears to have betrayed me… I feel useless…I feel invisible…and I feel like disappearing again.

I keep catching myself in these thoughts.

I could just disappear…

I could stop showing up…

They’re all probably tired of me anyway…

Hell, if I didn’t know that everything going on with me was real because I’m living it, I’d think I was a drama queen…who wants to spend time around a drama queen?

I did really well as a hermit for years…I could go back to that…they’ll be glad I did…they just don’t want to say it…

Around and around and around we go…where my brain will stop…nobody knows…

It’s exhausting. It makes me feel like I’m losing it.

And, yet…I can’t stop it…because if I can’t do the things that I love to be able to do…I don’t even want to be around me…so why should anyone else?

I don’t actually know how to end this blog post…because I don’t know how to end the feelings behind it.

Sooooo… *jazz hands*

So…yesterday I wrote a blog…because that’s what I do. I was rather proud of this particular blog, “An Ode to Online Dating” because it rhymed and it made me giggle.

I mean, really, how can you go wrong with lines like, “I was ready to give it a shot/ I was ready to try my luck/ But then I got the messages…/ That make you say “What the fuck?”

Anyone who’s ever tried online dating KNOWS THESE FEELS!!

So, today…being a bored blogger…I decided to take a few dollars and boost that post.

But, alas and anon…Zuckerberg’s algorithm said, “Nein! No boosting for you!!!” (In my mind the algorithm is like a computerized Nazi…)

Why, you may ask?

Was it because I swore? Nope.

Was it because it’s bad poetry? AS IF!!

Was it because I’m not funny? Seriously…no.

It was because the url doesn’t match that of an online dating site.

Dafuq?

It’s NOT an online dating site. It’s MAKING FUN of online dating sites.

But Heir Algorithm out there is apparently die analphabetin. Which is German for illiterate.

The more you know.

I used to have such high hopes

That one day I’d find a catch

With any of these online sites

Like OKCupid, Bumble or Match.

But then I went and signed right up

Wrote out a profile that was great

I found my nerdiest pictures

And set out to catch a fish with bait

I tried to be really honest

I tried to let my nerdy side show

I kept it real and made myself laugh

What they were getting into they should know

I was ready to give it a shot

I was ready to try my luck

But then I got the messages…

That make you say “What the fuck?”

“I’m better looking than you,

And probably have more wit…”

I swear to God one started that way

I can’t make up any of this shit.

The guys who live 4 states away

The guys who live with their moms

The guys who are looking for hookups

The guys you worry are making bombs.

The guys who are wearing no shirts

(Good Lord, please put it back on)

The guys drinking in every picture

The guys who think they are Don Juan.

The guys with sunglasses in every pose

Dude, let me see your eyes!

The guys who go right for it

And say they want you to open your thighs.

The guys with no teeth

The guys with no brain…

Oddly still more attractive than

The ones from whom posting any info do refrain

Your profile is so negative

You obviously still hate your ex wife

You say you don’t like drama

But your profile is full of strife

Do you sleep with your sister?

The inbred is running deep.

Why are you taking pictures

As you pretend to sleep?

You obviously didn’t read my profile

“Heh, you’re hot” is not an ice breaker

You look so damn cocky

I think your ex was a good faker

I know I’m no spring chicken

And from the litter may not have my pick

But…dear Match and every other site,

I will not settle for a dick.

And so single I shall remain

I give up, this shit is whack!

Wait…I’m a little bored…

Maybe I’ll message that dude back…

The Bronx Tale. An all-time favorite of mine. For many, many reasons, but…one part has always stuck out most to me. This theory of the Great ones.

“You’re only allowed three great women in your lifetime. They come along like the great fighters, once every ten years.”

Growing up and, honestly, even as an adult…I always hoped that, for someone, I was one of the great ones. I hoped that someone could look back at their relationship with me and think, “Her. She was one of the great ones.”

As I get older, though, I’m beginning to have a slightly different take on this.

What if the three great ones are the ones that taught you the greatest lessons?

Can those be the same as the great loves that made you happiest? Of course. But…it could also be the ones who are there to get you ready for your final love. They could be the ones who crush you, because of lessons you needed to learn for someone else.

If that’s the case I’m pretty sure I’ve had my three great ones.

I had the one who taught me that sometimes growing up together means growing apart. He taught me that love is real, but loving yourself, and not losing yourself, is just as important as loving them.

I had the one who taught me that the guys who make you say, “I mean…yeah…he’s kind of an asshole…but not to me…” will eventually be an asshole to you, too. And when they do, they will take everything you love about yourself and crush it. He taught me that how someone treats the rest of the world is how he’ll eventually treat you.

I had the one who taught me that no matter how much you love someone, sometimes it’s not enough to make them love you back. He taught me that someone not being able to love me doesn’t make me unlovable. He taught me to look past who someone can be and focus on who they choose to be.

Every one of these men taught me a valuable lesson about love. About relationships. About forever and about now.

The “three great ones” were three great lessons to, hopefully, put me where I need to be to meet the one that feels like home and doesn’t want to leave.

Those three great lessons are what made me into the woman I am today…the woman who will be loved by one GREAT one.

Yes, I really do wake up having the most random of thoughts. Maybe that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but…oh, wait…that’s actually what I wanted to talk about…

“You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea.”

How often have you heard that phrase? I hear it A LOT. Normally I don’t think much of it, but this morning I started thinking more about it and I wondered…

How often are we using the excuse of, what I have decided to dub, The Special-Tea Pass?

Let’s be real. It is GREAT advice. There really are just people who are amazing, but there’s something about them that doesn’t mesh with the amazing that we are. And, honestly, if we went through life trying to be liked by everyone or trying to like everyone…we’d lose our minds.

BUT…I contend that: The Special-Tea Pass gives us an out. It tells us that we don’t have to try to get to know people that we see as different than us…we don’t have to try to understand them so we can still love them…we don’t have to look at our own actions and question if maybe we have some personal growth to work on.

The Special-Tea Pass narrows our worlds and makes us accept our narrow mindedness, both in regards to ourselves and others.

I have a fairly large circle. I’m blessed to be able to say that I need two hands to count my best friends. Which…seems weird…even to me…but, if you think about…

Really, we’re all like a box of assorted tea bags.

Sometimes I’m chamomile. Just a calm, non stimulating cup of tea.

Sometimes I’m green tea. I wake you up, keep you warm, and am great for deeper conversations.

Sometimes (usually) I’m tea that’s been spiked…you’re probably going to start laughing at highly inopportune moments and risk getting kicked out of the tea house. 😉

I’m all of these teas and more. My friends are all of these teas and more. So…

WHAT IF I had met those friends on a day when they weren’t a cup of tea that meshed with the cup of tea that I was on that particular day? You know what? Some of them weren’t. If we hadn’t still taken the chance to have another cup with each other…we wouldn’t be friends.

Good Lord, I have an actual visceral reaction to imagining my life without each of these ladies.

Honestly, I almost always give every tea a whole lot of chances before I decide they aren’t my cup of tea. (I’ll still never forget the look of shock and conversation that followed the ONE TIME one of my best friends heard me say after a first meeting, “Nope. I don’t like her. Not even a little.” The gasp of, “Whoah! THAT’S saying something…you ALWAYS try to find something likeable about people!!” 🤣🤣)

Also, honestly, when people don’t like me, I TRY to give myself the Special-Tea Pass…but I usually inside start thinking, “Maybe if I just added a little more sugar…”.

But, the point of this is…

How many amazing people do you not truly know because you took one sip and decided they weren’t your cup of tea? Conversely, are there parts of the way that you present yourself that you excuse because, “Oh well, I can’t be everyone’s cup of tea.”?

So, today…I challenge you to spend the next month or so, challenging the Special-Tea Pass. When you meet someone new (unless it’s a mugger in an alley…there are still limits)…give them a chance to show you their assorted flavors. When you are faced with someone who doesn’t like the tea that you are…take a moment to reflect on how you presented yourself. (Just a moment. Don’t spiral.)

You might find that a lot of people really do have their own… Special Tea. ❤

Dear Paul,

I start this letter by telling you…I am so sorry and my love for you still rings true.

You see, a horrifying realization hit me this morning. I was thinking about how yesterday I received something USPS from the IRS that I had requested on behalf of a client in September. It was mailed directly to me. It was postmarked September. Did I mention I received it YESTERDAY?!?!

And then it hit me…

THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LOVE LETTER YOU WROTE ME!!

My darling dorky love, I am so sorry. I swear, had I received your letter, I would have run to you with open arms and nerdy giggle.

So now I will watch the mail daily for your correspondence.

With love,

Your Dorky Darling Sheri

PS Dear Paul Rudd’s Wife. Just jokes. Paul doesn’t know I exist. Yet. *menacing glare*

(Warning: This is the first blog I’ve written that may actually make some people mad. But it’s something that’s been weighing on my heart for quite a long time.)

That picture above…I don’t know about you, but it speaks to me.

Again, I can only speak from personal experience, but…if you’re anything like me, you’ve lost some friends in the past few years.

Somehow we’ve gone from discussing things…trying to understand each other’s views…and either agreeing or disagreeing, but doing it with understanding and compassion…to…well…ANGER AND YELLING! So. Many. People. are constantly angry…and almost like they’re looking for a reason to be angry. They’re not trying to even SEE the middle, much less meet there.

“But, Sheri! There are certain things that there IS no middle ground for!!!”

Yeah, no. I’m not buying that either.

Are there morally wrong stances? Absolutely.

Are there ideas and actions that are completely reprehensible and should never be tolerated in society? OF COURSE!

Are most of your friends or family standing on that side of the line? Probably not so much.

But we’re putting them there.

We’re reading into what they do…what they say…or, more often, what they DON’T do or say…and we’re judging who they must be at the core.

You have no idea who someone is at their core without communicating with them and trying to see where their life circumstances, experiences, and beliefs lie. Communication (REAL communication with an open heart) breeds connection. Through connection is where we begin to understand each other.

I’m sure many of you are thinking, “Sheri isn’t talking to me. I don’t do that.”

Maybe you don’t. If you *truly* don’t, I applaud you. However, I ask you to consider some recent world conditions that have caused these types of rifts.

First, let’s look at the political climate of our world. It’s not really a secret that I can’t stand Trump. I didn’t like him from the beginning. Personally, he actually IS someone that I find to be a little reprehensible because *I feel* that he breeds animosity, negativity, hatred and strife. That being said, I also have other political beliefs. That we have too much government. That both sides have lost their minds to some extent because they’re at constant war…sometimes just to argue. That if everyone who said, “I’d vote third party if it weren’t a wasted vote” actually voted third party…it wouldn’t be a wasted vote. That EVERY POTUS we ever have/have had will do something I agree with and something I don’t, no matter what “side” they ran on or how I feel about them in general. And…mostly…that I will not and can not EVER judge someone based purely on which “side” they vote for. Instead, I look at WHY they vote the way they vote. Maybe someone is first generation American…and the thought of stopping immigration terrifies them because they imagine that they wouldn’t be here if that had been the case for their parents. Maybe someone is first generation wealthy and they are terrified of losing a stability that they have long fought for. Maybe they’re survivors of a trauma that makes them feel safer having a firearm in their possession. One instance that I try to keep in mind. A friend of mine is someone that very strongly supported Trump. Based on what I know of her, that surprised me at first. She’s loving and kind and caring and generous. How could she support someone like him?!?! You know what? I’m really glad I asked her that exact question. She lives in a ranching area where illegal immigration and lax borders are a very serious problem that create major issues for her family and livelihood. She supports stricter borders. That makes complete and total sense based on her life. How could I judge that as wrong? I can’t. But that’s exactly what I could have found myself doing if I didn’t talk to her.

Another issue I’ve seen so many of us lose friends over in the past year…COVID. Good Lord, everyone has an opinion on the right way to live during COVID. “Stay home!” “Don’t take away my right to leave my house!” “Kids need to be in school!” “Schools need to be closed!” “Wear a mask!” “Masks are useless!” You guys…It’s. Exhausting. Do I have the right answers? HECK NO. Neither does anyone else. For someone who lives with a compromised immune system (or a loved one who has one), I can understand why they want to stay home. For someone (and I include myself here) who lives without any other adults and relies on their people and activities to stay mentally healthy…staying home is terrifying. For someone very worried about getting ill, of course they want to wear a mask and think everyone should! It’s their livelihood! For those with asthma…I can attest to the fact that long periods in masks suck. (But they are doable…and, while I don’t judge those who are anti-mask, I may be a little more on the “it doesn’t actually hurt anyone to wear one” side…). For someone who is a stay at home parent…they probably prefer to have their children home where they know they’re safe from getting ill. For a single parent or a family who CAN NOT afford to lose income they rely on and don’t have remote work opportunities…they NEED their children to be in school or their entire world (and that child’s world) will crumble.

If we talked to each other we’d learn these things about each other. We’d understand WHY our friends/family believe what they believe…do what they do…or don’t do what they don’t do. We may still disagree with them, but we could disagree with them without hating them. We could disagree with them without throwing barbs of contention in their direction. We could understand…sympathize…and maybe walk away knowing, “I can’t agree with your position based on my own life…but I get it for yours.”

So…tell me…are you meeting in the middle?

You guys…I love birthdays. Not just my own, but birthdays in general. We live in this world where we’re trained to put ourselves last. But…

Birthdays are the one day a year where we should be truly celebrating our own existence.

So, I have always LOVED birthdays. I make a huge deal out of them and think everyone else should, too. And if I find out you don’t love birthdays because they haven’t been a big deal before? Watch out! I will be making a HUGE deal out of your existence!!

But…about 5 years ago my own birthday lost some of it’s shine. I was honestly in a bad relationship…and he just didn’t think my birthday mattered. And I was stupid back then and let it not matter. 🤷‍♀️

That was the year that I discovered that my birthday is ALSO National Pizza Day! So…I told everyone…my birthday was canceled, but we were celebrating National Pizza Day. People sent me Pizza Day cards. Lol It was a way for me to make light of the fact that I was hurt…and it worked.

Over the next few years, it started to seem like my birthday had been jinxed somehow. Something bad always seemed to happen around my birthday…so…out would come National Pizza Day!! In my very Sheri way, it made things better. I dropped the expectation of my birthday being a big thing and was simply happy with pizza. 😁

I tried to do that again this year. As of yesterday, I canceled my birthday…and told everyone we were celebrating National Pizza Day!!! But you know what?

No one wanted to celebrate National Pizza Day. They wanted to celebrate me.

My best friend in Tallahassee sent me the COOLEST umbrella you’ve ever seen so that I’d have a reason to smile when it rains. My local best friends spoiled me with gifts and goodies for days. They all showed up to work out with me for National Pizza Day…with balloons and gifts galore. They yelled happy birthday whether I wanted to hear it or not! At work a cake showed up from one of my best friends and exploded! And they made it clear that their world is better for knowing me.

And then…they went out for pizza with me, because National Pizza Day has still become a thing for me.

That’s love. When people let you be you…but won’t let you disappear…and WANT to celebrate the very fact that you exist.

So…Happy National Pizza Day to all of my friends. As CHEESY as this is, I hope your CRUSTy old hearts can handle the love and PEPperoni in my step on this beautiful day devoted to our favorite carbs. 😉😁

There’s something I’ve never told another living soul. This seems like the place to admit it. Ready? Here goes…

I’m jealous of George Bailey.

I mean, think about it. Aren’t you?

Not for being brought to near suicide (obviously), but that he was given a chance to see what this world would look like if he hadn’t existed.

Lord, most days I would love to have that chance.

I’d love to know if I’m really the mother my daughter deserves…or if she’d have been better off with a different upbringing.

I’d like to see if I’ve brought happiness to the lives of my friends and family…or if they’ve gained anything by knowing me.

I’d give just about anything to know if I touched any lives in a way that changed their trajectory towards the positive.

As silly as it is, I’d even like to know if the relationships I’ve had have made a positive impact…or if I was just a waste of time. 🤷‍♀️

There are a million things I’d love to witness…to see what life would have been if I hadn’t been here…to understand His plan in putting me where He had and with whom He has.

I believe that His divine plan is greater than any plan I could devise on my own. So, I believe that I would see that there has been positive purpose to my existence.

I also know that me seeing this is not part of His plan. That’s what faith is…trusting that He has put us where we’re supposed to be when we’re supposed to be there…knowing that He will catch us when we trip, but He let us trip for a reason.

But, man…wouldn’t it be nice to not just know, but SEE that we really do matter and really do make a difference?

I don’t lean. It’s not a thing I’ve ever been comfortable doing. What happens if you go to lean and no one is there to catch you? You fall. So, I take care of me. I also try to take care of the rest of the world (I’m a caretaker…), but I do not lean and ask others to take care of me.

I won’t even pretend that’s a healthy way to be, and I’ve worked over the years to at least accept offered help. But you’d be hard pressed to find a time I’ve ASKED for help.

Besides the obvious issues with this…there’s also one that I don’t consider often enough.

In my efforts to be self sufficient and not lean on other people…I sometimes forget to lean on God.

I realized today that I’ve been doing that again. I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed and like I don’t belong…that I forgot to lean on the one with which we always belong…the one who carries us when we’re afraid we’ll fall.

It took me crying in public to see this. And, you guys…I’m not just talking crying…I legitimately tried to make it to privacy before I cried, but I was full on ugly crying by the time I got to my car. And multiple people saw it.

And when I say ugly crying…picture Dawson Leery. UG-LY Crying. (Hey, whatever I do in life…I do it full force…including embarrassing myself. 🤣 )

The reason I was crying…it’s stupid. I KNOW it’s stupid. But…today was the race that a whole bunch of people signed up for because it should have been the first time I could run again. But…I can’t run again. And, because my friends love me, they still wanted me there. So…I went…and I shivered…and I waited on my friends to finish doing something together that I used to be a part of. (And will be again, but right now I’m not.) And then I watched everyone laughing with their medals and taking pictures together and…I have never felt more like I didn’t belong anymore. So, I ran. I tried to run before they could see the tears.

But, of course, I didn’t make it. And, not only did some people see that ugly crying face…but a woman whom I really respect (in that “I’m in awe of you and a little frightened because I don’t think I can live up to how strong and self assured you are” kind of way…) was the first person I passed once the tears really started to flow.

I was mortified. I could hear my upbringing in my head. “Don’t ever show weakness. Don’t cry. No one cares.” And…here was me…failing at that.

All I could think was, “OF COURSE she’s the one who saw me. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️”

But all things happen according to plan. He knew that I needed someone I respected that much to see me fall. He knew that His message would need to come from that person that…if she came to me with that message…I would listen, because I know she’s not one to say things she doesn’t mean.

And that’s what happened.

A couple of hours later, I received a message from her. She told me that she knew today was hard for me. She reminded me that I need to keep allowing myself to heal and that I would run again. Because this is only a season.

I thanked her. Not only for the thought, but because she had lifted this burden from me as I’d been worried that she would think I was weak for crying over something so stupid. And what she replied with stopped me.

“We all have our moments where we are not as strong as we want to be, but this is a time that we are to lean on God for our strength. He will hold us up. It doesn’t matter what others think of us, only how we are viewed in his eyes.”

How is that always the first thing I forget? Honestly, how is that the first thing most of us forget?

God doesn’t judge us as weak when we need to lean. God welcomes us with open arms. Our Father who WANTS to hold us safe in those moments when we feel we can’t keep going. The one who we should remember is proof that we ALWAYS belong. We belong to Him.

If we only allow ourselves to lean.

So…today…I’m leaning.