For My Next Trick…The Disappearing Act

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. That urge to just completely disappear. It comes with the territory of anxiety….that calling…to become invisible.

Anxiety is the simultaneous wish to disappear to see if anyone will care and the horrible fear of being invisible and no one noticing your absence.

You guys…I’m tired of that feeling. I thought I had fought it and won. I thought, when I really started making a life for myself here in the last year or so, that my urge to disappear and be invisible had finally left.

It hasn’t. It was masked…very well…by this feeling of belonging. This feeling that I had found my place and found my people. This feeling that I had something to offer.

The stupid thing, as I sit here snorting at myself as I type, is that I know that I still have plenty to offer. I (usually) know that I have friends who love me. But…

Not being able to do the things that I normally do with my friends, because my body appears to have betrayed me… I feel useless…I feel invisible…and I feel like disappearing again.

I keep catching myself in these thoughts.

I could just disappear…

I could stop showing up…

They’re all probably tired of me anyway…

Hell, if I didn’t know that everything going on with me was real because I’m living it, I’d think I was a drama queen…who wants to spend time around a drama queen?

I did really well as a hermit for years…I could go back to that…they’ll be glad I did…they just don’t want to say it…

Around and around and around we go…where my brain will stop…nobody knows…

It’s exhausting. It makes me feel like I’m losing it.

And, yet…I can’t stop it…because if I can’t do the things that I love to be able to do…I don’t even want to be around me…so why should anyone else?

I don’t actually know how to end this blog post…because I don’t know how to end the feelings behind it.

Sooooo… *jazz hands*

Published by jazzhandsmom06

I'm just a girl in the world...that's all that you'll let me be.

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