I think I confuse people. I’m this woman who will sit there and make the crudest of jokes and laugh over things you would never discuss in church. And yet…I’m also this woman who has fairly unshakeable faith.
Some people think those two things don’t fit together. I disagree.
We discussed this in my first blog…God made me who I am, 12 year old boy sense of humor and all. I quote my favorite movie quite often:
“Remember: even God has a sense of humor. Just look at the Platypus.”
So, yes…I am who God made me. I am imperfect, yet loved. I am flawed and never forsaken.
And He has a plan for me…for all of us…from the moment we are born until the moment we are reunited with Him…we have free will, but if we are willing to trust in Him and follow his plan…it all has purpose.
In moments like now, I cling to that belief. In times of fear, I think back to other times of fear and doubt…I think back to the things I got through that I thought would break me…I reminisce on how one day I looked up…realized I had survived…and saw the purpose behind it all.
It started at 10 months old. His plan was set in action before then, but that’s when it began on earth. The day my mom took us. At almost 11, when I found out my life was a lie, I didn’t think I’d ever survive it. I didn’t understand God fully then. I had been raised in an atheist household with a little Bible I’d been given at school…that I would hide in a closet and read on Sundays because I wanted to understand. But, even with just my own knowledge and teachings, I had faith that he existed…
But I didn’t understand that He had a plan.
It took years for me to understand the plan, but as…years later…I continue to watch it unfold, I understand that every puzzle piece was next to form the final picture.
I had to be taken for many reasons. A large chunk of that is…I believe God has us survive tribulations so that we can help His other children survive tribulations. That is one thing I’m good at. I know how to help…I know how to use my experiences to benefit others.
If I hadn’t been taken…I’d never have lived in Georgia…if I hadn’t lived in Georgia I never would have met my ex husband…if I hadn’t met my ex husband I wouldn’t have my daughter…if I hadn’t divorced, quite honestly? I never would have really learned to know and love myself. If I hadn’t learned to know and love myself then none of the AMAZING people He has put in my life would be here.
It all flows like a river. A tumultuous, rock laden river…that ends in a glorious pool of the end plan.
So, I remind myself of this now. I remind myself that He always has a plan. I remind myself that I have never lost faith and…really…
If you lose faith and trust in times of fear, it was never faith and trust at all.
I don’t understand what’s happening with my body. I am downright terrified of what is happening with my heart. I am hopeful that the Cardiologist will have answers for me. But…even if he doesn’t…I remind myself…
If I continue to believe and remember that even this is part of God’s plan for me…I just have to let go…and let God.