An Ode to Online Dating

I used to have such high hopes

That one day I’d find a catch

With any of these online sites

Like OKCupid, Bumble or Match.

But then I went and signed right up

Wrote out a profile that was great

I found my nerdiest pictures

And set out to catch a fish with bait

I tried to be really honest

I tried to let my nerdy side show

I kept it real and made myself laugh

What they were getting into they should know

I was ready to give it a shot

I was ready to try my luck

But then I got the messages…

That make you say “What the fuck?”

“I’m better looking than you,

And probably have more wit…”

I swear to God one started that way

I can’t make up any of this shit.

The guys who live 4 states away

The guys who live with their moms

The guys who are looking for hookups

The guys you worry are making bombs.

The guys who are wearing no shirts

(Good Lord, please put it back on)

The guys drinking in every picture

The guys who think they are Don Juan.

The guys with sunglasses in every pose

Dude, let me see your eyes!

The guys who go right for it

And say they want you to open your thighs.

The guys with no teeth

The guys with no brain…

Oddly still more attractive than

The ones from whom posting any info do refrain

Your profile is so negative

You obviously still hate your ex wife

You say you don’t like drama

But your profile is full of strife

Do you sleep with your sister?

The inbred is running deep.

Why are you taking pictures

As you pretend to sleep?

You obviously didn’t read my profile

“Heh, you’re hot” is not an ice breaker

You look so damn cocky

I think your ex was a good faker

I know I’m no spring chicken

And from the litter may not have my pick

But…dear Match and every other site,

I will not settle for a dick.

And so single I shall remain

I give up, this shit is whack!

Wait…I’m a little bored…

Maybe I’ll message that dude back…