I used to have such high hopes
That one day I’d find a catch
With any of these online sites
Like OKCupid, Bumble or Match.
But then I went and signed right up
Wrote out a profile that was great
I found my nerdiest pictures
And set out to catch a fish with bait
I tried to be really honest
I tried to let my nerdy side show
I kept it real and made myself laugh
What they were getting into they should know
I was ready to give it a shot
I was ready to try my luck
But then I got the messages…
That make you say “What the fuck?”
“I’m better looking than you,
And probably have more wit…”
I swear to God one started that way
I can’t make up any of this shit.
The guys who live 4 states away
The guys who live with their moms
The guys who are looking for hookups
The guys you worry are making bombs.
The guys who are wearing no shirts
(Good Lord, please put it back on)
The guys drinking in every picture
The guys who think they are Don Juan.
The guys with sunglasses in every pose
Dude, let me see your eyes!
The guys who go right for it
And say they want you to open your thighs.
The guys with no teeth
The guys with no brain…
Oddly still more attractive than
The ones from whom posting any info do refrain
Your profile is so negative
You obviously still hate your ex wife
You say you don’t like drama
But your profile is full of strife
Do you sleep with your sister?
The inbred is running deep.
Why are you taking pictures
As you pretend to sleep?
You obviously didn’t read my profile
“Heh, you’re hot” is not an ice breaker
You look so damn cocky
I think your ex was a good faker
I know I’m no spring chicken
And from the litter may not have my pick
But…dear Match and every other site,
I will not settle for a dick.
And so single I shall remain
I give up, this shit is whack!
Wait…I’m a little bored…
Maybe I’ll message that dude back…
One thought on “An Ode to Online Dating”
It works the other way around, too. It’s a shame there are no filters that can weed out the wackos. I suppose the best filter is just not to go back.