I was driving to work this morning…which is when I do my best thinking…and I started thinking about my penchant for fear.
Growing up, fear saved me. There’s no two ways about it. When you live a tumultuous life…surrounded by unhealthy people…there is very real danger to both your emotional and physical safety.
I learned to fear abandonment. I learned to fear anger. I learned to fear disapproval. I learned to fear failure. I learned that anything I said or did could inadvertently be turned to make me unsafe…
To make me unlovable…
To make me alone.
But…I’m not that kid anymore. I’m not that teenager anymore. I’m not that young woman anymore.
A healthy level of fear is a good thing. Especially when you’re a person who draws in unhealthy people because they’re what you know.
But that same fear is what keeps me drawing in those unhealthy people. Because the known fear is less scary than the unknown. I know I have and can survive what I’ve already been through…I know what to expect from the unhealthy…but…what if I surround myself with HEALTHY people and find out I’m actually the problem…
What if I find out I’m honestly unlovable?
So, because of this, I go into things ready for the other shoe to drop…I go in partially expecting that people will realize that I’m not worthy…that I’m unlovable…that I’m broken.
Because of fear I ruin any chance of my own happiness.
And I don’t want to do that anymore.
So…I’m not stupid enough to believe I’ll turn it right off…as a therapist told me once, “The thing about fear rooted in PTSD is that it’s not irrational…it’s already happened…”. But…I’m going to battle the fuck out of it.
Every time I feel that niggling voice saying, “This won’t last”…every time my brain tells me, “They’re already sick of you”…every time my heart says, “You’re not lovable, protect yourself now”.
I’ve said that 2022 is the year of letting go of what is not meant for me.
That includes fear.
So, Dear Fear, You can go now. I don’t need you anymore. I’m safe now.