*Jazz Hands* Mom

Letting Go has been the theme of my year. But…my view on it has been evolving over that time.

In my life, I have usually been guilty of holding on for too long. Not for myself always, though. The usual reason for my monster grip on things (especially people) was that I didn’t want to be wrong about them and hurt them by letting go. So…I would try and and try and try and try…and try and try and try and try…and then…I would do the ever famous “INFJ DOOR SLAM”.

What’s the INFJ Door Slam? It’s a specialty of my personality type…we keep trying until we’re so defeated…we slam the door and there’s no coming back. The relationship is dead, buried, and…to be honest…mourned before we ever even got to that point. It’s done.

So…WHY? Well…I can only speak for myself here, but it may resonate with others. I was taught to doubt any of my own feelings or instincts that MIGHT cause me to hurt someone. It didn’t matter how much I was hurting…if it was a choice between ME hurting or someone else hurting…I was taught that I should be the one to suffer the pain.

WTF, right?? Lol

So, I would hold on and hold on and hold on and hold on…and suffer…and suffer…and suffer…and then…BAM! FUCK THIS SHIT, I’M OUT!

Door slammed.

But…what if…

What if it didn’t have to be that way?

What if my holding on was hurting someone else, too?

What if I had let go gracefully and naturally…and it saved BOTH parties from hurting?

This is the epiphany that I have had.

I’ve always thought I feared abandonment more than anything, but…

The reality that I’m finding through finding myself and facing things this year…

I don’t fear being disliked. I don’t fear being unpopular. I’m actually quite ok with both. I don’t have to be loved by all…or even most.

What sends me into a spiral is when words and actions don’t match…when someone says they love me but I don’t feel love…when someone says they’re there, but it feels like I’m alone…

When people hold on when they should let go.

That’s it. That’s the base root of my anxiety. Knowing in my gut that someone doesn’t want to be there, but stays anyway and swears it’s because they love me.

That dichotomy of words and actions. I can’t handle it.

And yet…aren’t I guilty of the same?

By holding on, in fear of being wrong, I am the person in someone’s life who stays…long after it becomes apparent that I don’t want to be there.

In an effort to never accidentally hurt someone…am I actually causing more damage?

They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. We can’t keep everyone forever. That’s not the way its supposed to be. (And holy shit, can you even IMAGINE trying to maintain strong relationships for a lifetime with EVERY PERSON YOU’VE EVER KNOWN? My introvert side shudders at this thought.)

Friends (even the best of friends)…lovers…whatever…maybe they’re forever…or maybe they’re for a season…where you each gain something from knowing and loving each other…but then it’s time to find out what else is out there.

Letting go doesn’t mean you didn’t love them…it means that you DID and you’re now allowing each other to fly.

Maybe one day that flight will bring you back…maybe it won’t…but letting go before the door slams is what allows you to hold onto that love and those happy memories.

So yeah…it’s ok to let go…it’s ok to fly away…and, sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is release someone before you hurt them by holding on too tight.

And now I leave you with the quotes I DID find that I loved even if they weren’t quite what I wanted to say. ❤️

/scene *Jazz hands*

Preface to say, I’m going to start using this place to write out some of my musings regarding therapy. It helps me to write it out. Some things I’ll share beyond here. Others I won’t.

Second Preface, this entry isn’t about my boyfriend. The first little bit is just to communicate how I got from point A to point B.

So…I started back to therapy. I’m honestly not sure I ever had any intention of trying THAT again…but I met someone who makes me feel so loved…so cherished…so accepted…so…safe. And I want to be the best version of me so that I can come even close to deserving everything he’s brought into my life.

It’s funny. It’s one of the very few people who has ALWAYS made me feel deserving, even at my worst moments…also gave me the courage to face my past so I could be better…I guess that old adage, “If you can’t love me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” works the opposite way, too.

“If you never stop loving me even at my worst, then I will face fire…or even therapy…because you deserve my best.”

ANYWAY, because of all of this, I started on the road back to therapy. And…so far…I like the one I found.

She calls me on my shit and tells me to stop being a paranoid doormat.

I call her on her shit when she tells me there’s no such thing as crazy, only misunderstood…and I tell her I hope Dahmer’s snacks agreed.

I need that in therapy. The ability to be real….and someone who will say, “Look, bitch…” when I’m being ridiculous.

But today she was getting onto me because I allow fear of being wrong to put me in some shitty personal places.

Today was mostly about my daughter…how I’ve allowed an environment where my hands feel bondage style tied when it comes to parenting her. Because…no matter what I do…it’s wrong…and certain people will basically tell her it’s ok to not listen to me. No one can parent a child like that…ABSOLUTELY no one can parent a teenager like that. So why have I allowed it? Because…what if I’m wrong? What if I’m wrong in how I parent? What if I’m wrong in how I feel about their judgment? What if I’m wrong…and I’m the problem…and I ruin everything?

But what she’s trying to get me to see is that my judgment is rarely wrong. Dude…my gut instincts saved me in the midst of some serious shit in life…it helped protect me…it helped keep me safe when those who “loved me” did not. But…after years of gaslighting…I was taught not to trust my gut.

You’re hurting me and I feel like this isn’t ok… “You’re just being sensitive.”

I’m anxious and scared because this doesn’t feel right. “Oh stop it. You’re always so dramatic.”

You’re going into rages that scare me. “Stop acting like everything is about you.”

You’re making me feel TERRIBLE about myself and unsafe. “How can you say this to me?! We’re like family!!” (To be fair…those weren’t wrong…the people who pull the, “You’re hurting me! We’re like family!!” really were treating me like some of my relations…lol)

I stopped even letting my gut keep me safe.

Here’s the thing I’m realizing. By doing that…by letting EVERYONE stay, no matter what my gut said, I was now the one taking away my own safety.

It doesn’t matter how many safe and truly loving people are around you…if you allow people who are unsafe to stay, then those people become all you can see.

As I’m writing this…I’m envisioning the Titanic. You’re on a sinking ship. You’re surrounded by people who love you. But that ship is still going to sink. You are still going to be unsafe…and probably won’t even see their love as you sink, because…I mean…YOU’RE SINKING!

I’ve been on the Titanic for a very, very long time and I wasn’t even trying to get off.

I allowed myself to stay on a sinking ship…feeling like I was steerage class with no access to lifeboats…because…the ones who loved me and would have moved heaven and earth to get me on a lifeboat were drowned out by the elite who made sure I knew that I’d only be hurting them if I tried to save myself.

Seems a bit dramatic, right? Lol But how else do you describe when you won’t remove yourself from something harming you because you don’t want to hurt someone who doesn’t care if you live? What else do you call it when you surround yourself with such LOUD danger that you can’t hear those trying to keep you safe?

I call it, “Come on, Sheri! WTF! You’re smarter than that!!”

Is it always that dramatic? No. Let’s say I’m surrounded by 20 people. 3 love me. 7 dislike me. 10 probably don’t think one way or the other about me. The 7 that dislike me…that I allow to continue to stay in my space…drown out the love of 3. While this is bad enough…for those who have suffered serious trauma at the hands of those who were supposed to keep us safe…those other 10? Those other 10 would be a blip on the radar of someone with healthy boundaries and self preservation skills. We are SUPPOSED to be, at least partially, surrounded by more people who are…ambivalent than those who love us. It’s what adds even more beauty to the love of the ones who choose us every day. But…again…for a trauma survivor…its very difficult to draw a line between those who we’re just background noise for…and those who actively set off our alarms. So…now we’re at a 17 to 3 ratio of who safe vs nonsafe people. The odds aren’t good that we can hear the love of the 3 over the gut wrenching sirens of the others. But…we’ve been trained…to know that we’re dramatic…we’re stupid…we’re sensitive…and we are responsible for not hurting those other 17 people by being wrong about them. So we let them stay.

And we continue to sink.

I don’t want to sink anymore. That is NOT the best version of me. That is NOT going to help me gain “intimacy tolerance” as I’ve been given a goal to build. Lol I will continue to feel unsafe, even when dragged kicking and screaming onto a lifeboat by the 3 who love me.

So I’m changing the narrative. (Sounds official and therapy like, right?)

Changes will be made. The 7 have to go. Even if they’re good people (which most people are), just as not everyone has to love me…I don’t have to allow them access to my life when they make me feel unsafe, for WHATEVER reason. So…the 7 go. From there we see if the 3 can be heard over the 10. If not, the 10 go. So I am only surrounded by love (not blind acceptance…big difference…I see love in the acts of calling me out when I’m being a dumbbitch. Lol But for my growth, not to tear me down.)

Again…it may seem extreme. And I TRULY hope that I don’t accidentally misjudge and hurt someone. But…if I’m ever going to be able to believe the loving sounds of, “It’s ok. You’re safe now.” I have to be able to hear them first.

I didn’t cause my trauma. I didn’t choose it. Who would? But it’s up to me to learn how to build back the life I should have had without it. I am a baby in this way. You don’t leave a baby alone with 100 people and expect them to just recognize safety. They build up to that. And so will I.

And, for the first time in my life, my heart and mind and emotions are enough in sync that I actually believe I can have that future.

You know those motivational books about chicken soup for the soul? This is like that. Except not. This is MY version of Snarky-Ass-Motivation.

There are a few things I know to be true in life (really…only a few…most of life confuses the fuck out of me). Let me put this into SAT prep kind of language for you.

• All humans have moments of being toxic as fuck.
• Sheri is a human.
• Therefore, Sheri has moments of being toxic as fuck.

Seriously…don’t we all?

The one thing I will say for myself, though…one of my BEST traits…is that I am ridiculously self-aware. I will usually listen to my own little mental/emotional spiral and think, “DAMN, BITCH! Do you need to get laid or something?!?!” (No. And this is not an invitation. I’ve got a man. We coo’. It’s a joke. PUT AWAY YOUR PENISES, DUDES! Damn.)

ANYWAY.

Lately, I’ve been toxic as fuck. Mostly in my own head. But still…toxic as fuck.

Are there reasons for it? Sure. There are people who rub me the wrong way (did I mention I’m human?). There are situations that it makes me anxious to watch. And…gosh darn it…sometimes I just like to hyperfocus on that shit rather than on the dumbass shit that is happening in my life! lol

Mostly…it’s tax season…I’m an accountant…and I’m too freaking exhausted to stop my own toxic thoughts in their tracks.

So…instead…I remove myself from the people/situations that I’m hyperfocusing on. Because…guess what?

They’re not the problem.

They’re not thinking about what I’m doing 24/7. (OR ARE THEY?!?!?! Stalkers!)

They’re not purposely trying to annoy the fuck out of me. (Right? Maybe?)

They’re not making me think petty thoughts. (Ok, this part I actually am sure of.)

So…this is my toxic shit.

Toxic Waste Colored Pea Soup For the Snarky Ass Soul.

Thank you for coming to my SelfInducedSociallyIncarceraTED Talk.

/scene

*jazz hands*

I was driving to work this morning…which is when I do my best thinking…and I started thinking about my penchant for fear.

Growing up, fear saved me. There’s no two ways about it. When you live a tumultuous life…surrounded by unhealthy people…there is very real danger to both your emotional and physical safety.

I learned to fear abandonment. I learned to fear anger. I learned to fear disapproval. I learned to fear failure. I learned that anything I said or did could inadvertently be turned to make me unsafe…

To make me unlovable…

To make me alone.

But…I’m not that kid anymore. I’m not that teenager anymore. I’m not that young woman anymore.

A healthy level of fear is a good thing. Especially when you’re a person who draws in unhealthy people because they’re what you know.

But that same fear is what keeps me drawing in those unhealthy people. Because the known fear is less scary than the unknown. I know I have and can survive what I’ve already been through…I know what to expect from the unhealthy…but…what if I surround myself with HEALTHY people and find out I’m actually the problem…

What if I find out I’m honestly unlovable?

So, because of this, I go into things ready for the other shoe to drop…I go in partially expecting that people will realize that I’m not worthy…that I’m unlovable…that I’m broken.

Because of fear I ruin any chance of my own happiness.

And I don’t want to do that anymore.

So…I’m not stupid enough to believe I’ll turn it right off…as a therapist told me once, “The thing about fear rooted in PTSD is that it’s not irrational…it’s already happened…”. But…I’m going to battle the fuck out of it.

Every time I feel that niggling voice saying, “This won’t last”…every time my brain tells me, “They’re already sick of you”…every time my heart says, “You’re not lovable, protect yourself now”.

No. Just…NO.

I’ve said that 2022 is the year of letting go of what is not meant for me.

That includes fear.

So, Dear Fear, You can go now. I don’t need you anymore. I’m safe now.

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything here. Life has been…strange.

I almost lost my daughter to suicide on Christmas Eve. Obviously this changed a lot about our lives. There’s no way it couldn’t. Something like that brings a lot into focus that needs to be focused on. She is growing and facing things…and happier than I’ve seen her in years. I am scared…and yet hopeful for a future that she tried to erase. We both are appreciating more about the relationship we have with each other. There’s nothing about what happened with her that I would want either of us to live through again, but…somehow…I was blessed enough that she realized that I’m her safe place. She realized there’s nothing she can’t talk to me about…she realized there’s nothing I won’t support her through…and she realized that she has reason to keep going.

But it changed something in my own head that I never could have foreseen. Mostly that I want so much good for her…I want her to know that she matters…that her thoughts and feelings matter…and that, as her mother, she will not learn from me until I learn…and live…the truth that…

I MATTER.

I have spent my life…literally…AGONIZING over what other people wanted and what would make them happy. I have spent my life heartbroken over not being enough to be loved…not being what people wanted me to be. I have spent my life going out of my way to put myself last because, as I often said. “If someone has to be unhappy…why shouldn’t it be me? It would be selfish to choose my own happiness first.”

Every. Single. Life. Decision. I made was agonized over in fear that I was being selfish or unfair.

Don’t get me wrong. That is something we should consider. Are we hurting someone? Are we being needlessly selfish? Are we seeing things clearly or in the wrong. It should all be considered. But, not at the expense of recognizing…

I MATTER. YOU MATTER. WE ALL MATTER. EQUALLY.

And…if we don’t, as parents, teach this…what are we teaching our children? We’re teaching them to have the same pain we have. So…I started focusing on this…this new idea of…

I MATTER.

In a fight with a loved one…I must face the facts, accept my own culpability (if there is culpability to be had)…and then…remember that I matter, too.

In a romantic relationship, I must look at what they want…I must look at what I want…I must remind myself that we BOTH deserve happiness…remember that my wants and needs are as valid as theirs…because I matter.

In all relationships…I must know my own worth…I must know what I want…I must know what I don’t want…I must always strive to be fair…but, in the end, if I don’t fight for me, who will? I have to be the one to remember…I matter.

I do not matter more than the rest of the world, but my happiness DOES matter AS MUCH as the rest of the world.

And, so…I’m learning to walk away from what doesn’t work…I’m learning to let go of things that are not meant for me…I’m learning to fight for what I want and what I need…and it is HARD, because I’m fighting a lifetime of habit of putting myself last…I’m fighting a lifetime of telling myself I deserved less…and because…just because you have to let go of things, doesn’t erase the pain of doing so.

But if I don’t fight to remember that

I MATTER…

If I don’t lead by example and show my daughter that I strive to remember that

I MATTER…

Then how will I ever teach her to live a full and happy life….always knowing that..

SHE MATTERS.

Christmas Eve. Approximately 10:30 pm. That’s when I heard the words that no parent ever wants to hear. “Mom, I need to go to the hospital.” My beautiful, hilarious, outrageous…sad, angry, scared, anxious…15 year old daughter had swallowed a bottle of pills.

It’s a fear I’ve carried with me for a very long time. She’s had more grief in her 15 years than I ever wanted for her. The very battles that I fought for her not to have to fight…I failed.

That’s the majority of what I keep thinking. I failed. I failed my daughter. She, even momentarily, thought that death was the only way to stop the pain.

Everyone keeps telling me I haven’t failed her. They tell me I’m this great mom…that I have done and continue to do what is best for her. But I couldn’t stop this. I couldn’t make it all ok.

I’m lucky. Luckier than some. She came to me within 10 minutes because I CAN say that the kid tells me everything. She was out of the ER within 14 hours. She’s been in another hospital since then, though. She’s where she needs to be. She’s getting the help she needs. She’ll be home soon.

All of the things that I keep telling myself. She’s medically stable. She’s getting help. She’ll be ok. She’ll be home soon.

And none of that takes away the fear I will continue to have until my child is back home where she’s supposed to be. None of that takes away the panic of trying to do everything in my power so it never happens again. None of it takes away the fact that I can’t hug my daughter. I can’t listen to her yell at me for being annoying. I can’t roll my eyes as she barges into my room unannounced.

None of it takes away the fear that next time she won’t come to me.

None of it takes away the fact that her childhood ended the moment she felt so low that death seemed to be the only way out. And I can never give her that childhood back again.

Many many moons ago I spent Christmas in Mobile, Alabama with a friend. While we were there we went to a club. For the life of me I don’t remember the name of it. What I DO remember is that we WANTED to go into a club called The World…but it was closed. So, we went on to the next club. Fast forward to later that night…we were leaving the club and we see that The World is now open and there’s a line outside. I started joking about how our hippie friend Charlie…aka Trippy McTripFace…would have said something like, “So I wanted to go to the world, man…but the world was closed…and then the world said, “Come in”…and I said, “No, World…I do not want to come in anymore…”. (If you didn’t read that in the ultimate stoner voice, go back.)

I am reminded of that club lately. I so desperately wanted to join the world in the past few years. I wanted to stop being a hermit…I wanted to let people in…I wanted to belong. I tried to go into the world, but…the world is closed to me. I’m not wanted there. There’s a huge line outside…of all the cool people will get to be a part of the world…but I get to the bouncer and he knows I don’t belong and turns me away. I can hear the laughter…I can feel the beat of the music…I can see the inhabitants…but I will never get in.

To say I don’t want to be in the world, would be a lie. We never get over wanting to belong.

So…instead…I try to convince myself that I don’t want a world that doesn’t want me.

And maybe one day I’ll believe it.

I counted this morning. I moved 13 times between the ages of 10 and 25. 13 times in 15 years. I’ve been in the same place now for almost 18 years…but, if I’m being honest, I’ve been feeling that tug for many, many years…it’s just harder to pick up and go when you have a child.

So…WHY? Why have I moved so much? A couple of them were normal moves, but mostly…I’ve always been searching for home.

I want to say that I thought I had it until I was 10. My childhood vision thought I did…I thought that was what home just looked like. My mother’s mental illness aside, my stepfather (who I thought was my daddy) treated me like a princess and my brothers were the pains in the ass they were supposed to be. Now I know that wasn’t a home…it was a mirage and a lie…but I think it warped my view of what home should look like. Not because I had the things I should, but because if that HUGE of a lie could exist…then the TV realities could, too, right?

I could have parents who loved me. I could have siblings that were my best friends. I could be teased and picked on, but still be enough to be loved.

I searched for that home. But…I never fit. I was too much a girl. I was not enough like others. I was too heavy. I wasn’t pretty. I was smart, but that wasn’t exactly something that made people want me around. I was too responsible. I became funny as hell…but that only gets you so far. I was simultaneously too much and not enough.

So…I searched. And searched and searched and searched.

I searched for a place that felt like home, but places aren’t home.

I searched for family that made me feel like home, but sometimes you’ll never fit no matter how much any of you want it to happen.

I searched in relationships…which is about the dumbest move a person can make.

I searched in large groups. If others could find home there, why couldn’t I? But I couldn’t.

Why? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be enough? Why am I always too much?

There was a cycle that I recognized fully this morning.  I search for home…I think I found it…I jump in…I embrace it…I start to feel like I’m the only one embracing it…so I leave. I may look back, but I leave.

I try to leave this feeling behind.

And therein lies the rub. You can’t leave yourself behind. I am the common denominator of the places I don’t fit. Not just in a way of I must really be too much and not enough (I vascillate on whether these things are true about me). In the way that…

I’m always ready to run.

That’s not anything anyone else is doing. That’s not the decision that anyone else is making.

They stay where they are.

I am the one who runs away.

Am I running from them? Or am I running away from myself?

I believe I’m running to find a home…but, in reality, I am an eternal Toby Tyler…running away to join the circus…

Who else moves that many times? Lol

I’m fair enough to myself to know that the homes I’ve run from really were not meant for me. That wasn’t in my imagination.

But…I’m hoping I’ve reached a place inside of myself where I can recognize home when I finally find it…and be willing to stay still and fight for it.

This is something that has been weighing on my heart for a very long time.  Possibly most of my life, but definitely the past year.  It’s time for it to come out.

Dear Nopes,

You probably wonder why I call you that.  You may even wonder if you are a Nope.  You…singularly…are not.  You…with other women…maybe?

A “Nope” is what I’ve always called large groups of women.  Those groups that you see having lunches together.  Those groups you see having large girls nights out.  Those groups that you see doing life together. 

Why do I call them a Nope?  For two reasons:

1. Nope, I can’t deal with the cattiness that comes along with that many times.  (I’ve always had a theory that someone who will gossip to me will gossip about me.)
2. Nope, they don’t want anything to do with me anyway.

So…Nopes…here’s what I wish you knew.

• I wish you knew that I constantly feel like I’m on the outside looking in. 
• I wish you understood that, even if I’m not like you, I still have worth…and, if you gave me a chance, you just might like me. 
• No, I don’t have a husband. 
• No, I don’t have small children. 
• No, my teenager has no urge to be a prom queen. 
• No, I don’t own a fancy car and spend my evenings at soccer practice. 
• Yes, I do have a highly inappropriate sense of humor.  Yes, I do everything to the extreme because I’m passionate and I care. 
• Yes, I have anxiety and so I either talk to much or not at all. 
• Yes, I have feelings.
• And, mostly…Yes, I know you don’t like me…even when you try to hide it.

Just as you wish that people could see you for who you are, I wish you would give me the chance to show you who I really am.  I’m obnoxious, when I care too much not to be.  I’m loud, when I’m fighting for what I believe in.  I joke too much, because laughter is a bright spot in dark days and I want to make everyone I come across have a better day today than yesterday.  I overshare because you never know who NEEDS to hear your story so they know they’re not alone.

Nopes, I don’t think you’re bad people.  I think you have hopes and fears and hearts that feel everything…maybe a little too much, just like me. 

But I think I scare you.  I am the epitome of everything that you are afraid to be…and maybe a little bit of what you wish you were.  I challenge your happy little bubbles and your beliefs that all pegs must fit into the same hole. 

But…Nopes…I never tried to hurt you, upset you, offend you…Quite often, on an individual level…even if you have hurt me…I’ve tried to be the voice of reason when others are hurt by your actions.  Because just because you don’t like me, doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be liked.

I wish you felt the same way about me.

I wish you didn’t feel the need to gossip about me.  I wish you didn’t feel the need to ignore me and shy away as if you fear my life is going to rub off on you.  I wish that if there is a real reason you don’t like me and that I’ve done something to hurt you, that you’d tell me so we can clear the air and try again.

I’m not ever going to fit.  I know this.  I will always be slightly on the outside looking in.

But, maybe could crack the window just enough to let me be a little part of it?

Except the gossiping.  That will always be a nope.

Love,

The Invisible-Ish Woman

Last night I made a statement. “I don’t want to be me anymore.”

You know what? Nothing could be further from the truth.

What I want is to stop feeling like others think there is something wrong with being me.

I have always been a passionate person. Everything I do…everything I feel…is with passion. And, similarly, I bring out passion in people. Either they passionately love me or they passionately dislike me. There really doesn’t seem to be much middle ground…probably because I, myself, never find middle ground.

But…as for me…I really, REALLY like me.

So…even when I feel like a round peg trying to fit in a square hole…I don’t wish I was square…I wish the hole was more round.

I don’t want to be like you…but I do wish you were more like me.

I wish that no matter how many times you’ve been hurt, you still find ways to love fully.

I wish that no matter how many times you’ve been betrayed, you still find ways to let people in.

I wish that no matter how many times you’ve felt judged, you choose to live a life where you refuse to sit in judgment.

I wish that you could find your inner child…I wish that you could feed that inner child with stupid jokes…as you laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of life.

I wish that you would allow yourself, with a sense of wonder, to be weird…to think the thoughts that make you even laugh at yourself…but that feed your creativity.

I wish you could do all of these things and be well…well rounded.

It is my absolute absurdity and passion…and SHEER REFUSAL to give up that makes me actually quite happy being me.

I just wish that you could see that maybe…just maybe…not only is it ok to be like me, but the world could use a little more of me.