So. Bella and I had counseling today. During said counseling, Bella and I both talked a bit about our shared issue of…honestly…pushing people away because we expect them to leave anyway. Bella does this by making sure they think she’s a bitch before they can decide she’s one on her own. I do this by making jokes. We both know this. We’re working on it.
But…fast forward to my epiphany.
I made a joke on FB about not being likeable. I make these jokes a lot. That’s not new. But someone asked me why I’m unlikable. I was able to answer very matter of fairly and with zero hesitation.
Another joke wrapped in a not joke. Nothing new there. But something hit me after I hit post.
“I’m a lot.”
Not, “Some people think I’m a lot.” Not, “Some people are overwhelmed by me.”
Just a “fact”. I’m a lot.
That wasn’t a joke. I was truly able to answer, people don’t like me because I’m a lot.
Why??? Why is this something I believe so absolutely?
Because…how many times have I heard the words, “I mean…yeah…you’re a lot…but I love you.”?
From family.
From friends.
From lovers.
“You’re a lot, but I love you.”
“I love you in spite of this glaring problem.”
“This is a problem.”
But the last part of what I said was also true. I really do love who I am. I’ve worked hard to be someone that I can be proud to be.
And that INCLUDES all the things that make me a lot.
I think. A LOT.
I’m passionate. A LOT.
I’m in your face with sharing kindness. A LOT.
I’m loud. A LOT.
I love. A LOT.
Every single thing that I love and do…it’s with passion.
Is that A LOT? In a world where many want to fit in and go with the flow…yeah, it probably is.
So: Yeah, I’m a lot…and it is my favorite part of who I am.
I need to change my INTERNAL dialog to, “I’m a lot and that’s fantastic. It may not be someone’s cup of tea, but it’s what makes me a favorite beverage of others.:
So that’s my epiphany. That and…I don’t think we “neg” our loved ones on purpose…but the way we phrase things can become their internal dialogue. “Yeah…you’re a lot…AND I love you” has a much better message than, “Yeah…you’re a lot…BUT I love you.”
That one word can totally change how someone hears your message.
*Jazz hands, bitches*
*Jazz Hands* Mom 
You definitely seem like a lot, AND that hits home for me because I can be a lot, too. I see it as more of a personality feature than a problem. Normal people are boring. Also, I think your “lotness” (new word, btw) is pretty great, and it’s one of the reasons I really enjoy reading your posts.
(Also, there’s a “lotness monster” joke in here somewhere, but I’m going to leave it for someone else to run with.) Rawr!!! 😂🤣
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DUDE!!! LOTNESS MONSTER!!!! I’m sad I didn’t come up with that myself!! And I love our lotness!! *High 10* (Because high 5 isn’t enough for us)
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High 10, indeed. I come up with something clever every once in a while, but usually my awesome ideas are met with eye rolls from people who just don’t understand how hilarious I am. It’s their loss, and it’s really pretty sad…
I think you should get the Lotness Monster character on a tshirt for sale in a merch section of your blog. Coffee mugs, too. And maybe bumper stickers. You’ll make millions, obviously.
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