Becoming (Better)

PREFACE TO SAY: There’s some very real shit in her, BUT it’s all leading to a rather positive thing…so, keep reading if you will. 😉

Like most people who read my blog, I think A LOT about what people think of me and who I am. Too much. It’s a problem for all of us. I’ll knock it off if you do. Deal? Deal. ANYWAYS…That’s what led me down the road to this particular blog.

I was cleaning…cleaning, cleaning, cleaning…you know, that thing that moms do manically before holidays so that they’re not embarrassed when they look back on Christmas photos in ten years. So, I was cleaning…and I was…well…in a bit of a mood…and then I saw the sign I keep on my kitchen table.

“She Needed A Hero So That’s What She Became.”

Normally I cringe at signs like this, but this one is different. You see…my family and I don’t always see eye to eye. <insert short joke about no one being able to see eye to eye with me> If I’m being completely honest, I’m 99.999999% sure that 99.9999999% of my family legitimately doesn’t like me. It is what it is. We all have a black sheep. I just have the prize of getting to be it.

But a couple of years ago, my dad randomly sent me this sign. He said he saw it, and he instantly thought of me. I was….flabbergasted. THAT’S how my dad sees me? To be honest, when he tells me he’s proud of me or anything like that…it just doesn’t feel real. It feels like there’s always a “but”. As my therapist has told me, there’s still a very scared little girl inside of me just begging for one of my parents to love me and approve of me. It is…a special gift of my abduction. We were stolen out of spite, not love…and the parent who searched for us for ten years…just didn’t get the kid he imagined he’d get. “If you hadn’t been kidnapped, you’d be a different person.” Pretty loud and clear…you’re not what I looked for.

So, when I got this sign from him…again…flabbergasted. Maybe I haven’t gotten it so wrong. But, also, there has never been another moment where my dad gave me something that actually felt like…ME.

You see…I HAVE, as many of us have, become who I needed. I have been rebuilding myself since I was 10 years old. “Oh, you’re not my real family…and that’s not my real name? OK, I guess I need to be this Sheri now.” “Oh, you don’t believe people should be allowed to be quiet and shy…ok, I will become loud (and then go hide to recover lol).” “Oh…Lyme now…ok…moving on from that part of life and into this new version. Got it.” “Oh…I’m divorced now and a single mom…ok…I can do this…time to be more.” “Oh shit…breakup…I have too many feelings, and it made my boyfriend fall into many, MANY vaginas…I don’t really know who I am right now…so I’ll go back to school and find out!” “Ahhhhhh…a heart problem…can’t be workout Barbie anymore…ok…moving on…becoming…MORE.”

That’s the thing. I *truly* believe that everything happens for a reason. And I REFUSE to let any situation make me LESS. Every obstacle is a decision to be better or bitter. I always choose better.

So…yeah…I do believe this…”I needed a hero, so that’s what I became.” And I keep this sign prominently displayed because it’s also a reminder that maybe…JUST MAYBE…even those who disapprove of me can see that I became who I needed.

• I became the parent who ensures her child knows she’ll never leave.
• I became the person who shares every compliment she feels because kindness is what the world needs.
• I became a woman who can survive anything alone but still knows how to love.
• I became someone who is real, at all costs, because “real” is what makes others realize they’re not alone.
• I became loud about the things that make me passionate but still allowed myself the solitude and quiet that my soul craves.
• I became strong…I became resilient (God, I hate that word lol)…I became self-sufficient…I became…well…just…

I BECAME.

And I believe many of you reading this can understand that feeling of becoming. Many of us will continue to face battles where we have no choice but to adapt. We have no choice but to decide…

BETTER OR BITTER?

With a new year starting…I hope that 2023 will be the year that I don’t need to become anything more than I am. I hope that 2023 will be a year of rest for my soul…a year of finally feeling a sense of peace. I hope the same for you. With all my heart, I hope the same for all of us.

But, if it’s not the case…I hope you choose…

BETTER.

*a very Merry Christmas jazz hands to you*