I’ve been trying to find words for this feeling I’ve been having this month. (Weird for me, I know.) But I feel like I’ve finally got it right this morning. This is going to be long, but it’s good.
A little bit back, I asked everyone to tell me what they had gained in 2022 that they hoped to keep. Their ANTI resolution, if you will. (Some people consider an Anti resolution to be something you want to lose…I feel like we constantly focus on what we want to lose…so, to me, an anti resolution means you’re planning on NOT changing something). I never actually gave mine. Partially because I’ve never had a year where I wasn’t planning on GROWTH in some way for the next year…and partially because, although I know the answer, it’s really hard to put into words.
The obvious answer would be my boyfriend. He’s amazing and I plan on keeping him forever. I’ve never truly believed in forever. Don’t get me wrong. I married believing it would be forever…but forever was never more than the next day to me. (Hello, survival skills. Lol) Now…you guys…I picture porch swings with an old man Aaron sitting next to me…reading comics and asking me if I like the new Batman. But, still…not the answer to my anti resolution. Maybe because that is OUR job to keep.
Another obvious answer is that Bella…after her attempt last Christmas…and after an EXTREMELY rough first half of 2022…has started finding herself…her happiness…and her actual want to be around me for fun. She’s a teenager…and I sleep with one eye open when I’ve made her mad lol…but she’s doing SO. MUCH. BETTER. Do I want to keep that? Of course! But…that’s also…OUR job to keep together.
So…what did I gain for myself this year that I want to keep in 2023? I found…my belief in myself.
2022 was, as I dubbed it, The Year of Letting Go. I had to let go of certain things that could no longer be for me. My heart wasn’t getting better…I wasn’t going to be able to go back to things I loved before it decided to be an asshat…and certain people weren’t going to stay in my life when I couldn’t do those things anymore. I had to let go of all of that. Not going to lie. Some of that has still been a struggle. And sometimes I still cry over it. But, in general, I did well. But…the real way that started…actually began in 2017. It began when D and I broke up. It began when I was so broken…so confused about who I was…so SCARED…I didn’t know what to do or who I was. All I knew was that I had allowed this person to break me…that once again I’d been too much and not enough…that my feelings were too many and too much…that no one could ever love me. But, mostly, that I’d allowed myself to be broken and to STAY with this person. Who does that?!?! I made a decision that I would go back to school in 2018…I would find myself…but, also, I would stay too busy to ever make a bad decision again. For the year before graduation…I was TERRIFIED. I felt like I had grown…but I was afraid that as soon as I had TIME again…I’d go right back to making horrible decisions and allowing horrible things. But…a few months before graduation…D and I got back together. He said he’d changed. I decided I had to give it a shot. For me. Things weren’t bad. He had changed. In many important ways. But on NYE of 2021, I found that…more importantly…I had changed in the MOST important way.
Bella had been in the hospital for a week. I’d held it together. Barely. But I had. My friends coordinated groceries for me…after they found out I was wandering Kroger with a cart of just bread, coffee and Xanax. LOL But, other than that and their support in my pocket (aka the phone lol), I had been trying to get through it alone. This horror that no parent should ever have to face…but definitely should never face alone. D came on the 30th. I kept holding it together. The hospital called on the 31st and said she could come home. I finally broke. It was like I knew she was going to be ok, so it was ok if I broke. I burst into tears…and I bawled. D just looked at me for a second…patted my knee…and said, “Sooooo…I’m going to go take a shower.” And he did. And then he left. He couldn’t handle all the…emotion.
Did he do anything wrong? No. He was being true to himself. D doesn’t do “feelingsy shit”. But…you know what? I do.
2017 Sheri had let someone make her believe that was bad. 2017 Sheri believed she was broken because she “had too many feelings”. 2021 Sheri knew…feelings are ok. And even with the plethora that she had…that was ok…and, more importantly, was such a good part of her that it deserved to be cherished.
It couldn’t be cherished by D. But it could be cherished by me. And I did cherish it. I waited a month, because I don’t believe in making lasting decisions during highly emotional moments, but…I ended it. On friendly terms, but with the very clear purpose and message of, “I want more than that. I want someone who will be there with me…through the good and bad…to laugh and support. When I look into the future, I want to know that I’m not alone. Because I deserve that.”
In those 4 years of healing that I gave myself…I really DID heal and grow. I really did find ME. I really did learn to love ME. And…most importantly….I learned to TRUST ME and stand up for what I want out of life.
THAT’S what I found in 2022 that I want to keep forever. I found confidence that I’m not that weak person anymore and that I will fight for myself and my happiness as hard as I’ve always fought for everyone else’s.
And, unlike the Bella part and the Aaron part, it is entirely up to me to fight to keep that in my life forever.
So…there you go…my anti resolution. There are things I want to lose in the coming year…weight…debt…the normal resolutions. But what I plan on KEEPING…my ANTI resolution…is I’m keeping ME and my confidence in who I am, what I want, and what I deserve. ❤️ For 2022, I finally don’t want to GROW. I want to be happy in what I have and who I am…because I fought HARD to get here. And HERE is beautiful, even when it’s a bit of a beautiful disaster. Lol ❤️
PS D isn’t a bad person still. We’re on friendly terms. No SpongeBob jokes, unless you sing them. 😉