All the Things She Said

So. This morning I did a dumb. I woke up…decided I felt ok…and decided to go for a run. Anyone who’s been following this probably knows that wasn’t necessarily the smartest idea…as I’m dealing with a heart issue…

So…why? Why would I do such a stupid thing? Am I trying to prove I’m some kind of badass? Nope. I am STILL trying to prove that I deserve to even breathe…

Especially after a night of the nightmares. Of her. My darling mother.

As I ran…I heard them…all the things she said…running through my head…”You are not enough”…

I can honestly say, without a doubt in my mind or heart, that my mother never loved me and never should have had me. And she spent a solid 25 years making sure I knew it.

I was 5 the first time I remember her telling me I was fat and had to go on a diet.

I was 6 the first time she told me she wouldn’t buy my school pictures (but she did my brother’s) because I was too ugly in them.

I was either 8 or 9 the year that I’m pretty sure she wanted to end me…for taking a bite out of everything in my Easter basket because I knew she was going to give it all away again the next day…like she did every year because I was too fat and didn’t need it.

At 10 she told me I couldn’t have the glasses the doctor said I needed because I was already too ugly without them.

At 17…when I had to call the police because an ex boyfriend was harassing me…she got him Braves tickets to apologize for me being a bitch.

At 22 she told me she didn’t need a daughter.

For a brief period at 23…she was proud of me…as I toyed with an eating disorder…for “FINALLY quitting eating and doing something about my problem”.

At 24 she called my fiancee and told him not to marry me because I’d be a horrible wife and mother.

Even 2 years ago…when she found out I was in school…she told the person who told her, “Ohhhh..that’s cute that they have some kind of certificate program for single moms…” “She’s getting two degrees…” “Oh, well, she’ll fail.” “She’s on the President’s List and on full scholarship.” “Oh…well…she’ll have to quit. She’ll realize she can’t do it all.”

These are the things I can’t get out of my head. These are the things I’m trying to prove wrong.

This feeling that everyone must agree with her and I don’t deserve the air I breathe.

These nightmares where she convinces everyone that she was right all along and takes everyone away.

That’s what I tried to outrun.

There’s a joke with my friends that there’s a Deadpool…what stupid way will Sheri die…

The irony is that, most likely, it will be while trying to prove that I deserve to be alive.