I had to laugh today. For probably the 100th time since this whole heart thing started….I stood up quickly…I got dizzy…I sat down even more quickly…and a coworker asked, “Aren’t you not supposed to do that?”.
Yes. You are correct. I am not supposed to do that. Bad, Sheri. Bad. *smacks own hand with ruler*
Here’s the thing. For 42 years (give or take a year where I learned to walk), I stood up as fast as I wanted to.
For 42 years, even with Lyme, I made decisions based on how I was feeling in that moment…not necessarily based on how I might feel an hour into it.
For 42 years…I knew how to breathe normally…I knew what my body was capable of…I knew what I could and could not do without hurting myself.
For 42 years…I was me.
Then…one day…that changed. Not even slowly as life tends to do, but it changed in what felt like the snap of a finger.
I had to learn…literally…how to stand up without falling down all over again.
I had to learn to think about activities and such in terms of what I might feel like later, even if I feel wonderful in the moment.
I had to learn what would take my breathe away…and what would help me find my breathe when I lost it.
I had to learn…to be someone who is less spontaneous…who’s plans are more thought out…and who considers the consequences of absolutely every little thing she does.
If you know me well…that last paragraph…yeah…
I had to learn how to be a new me.
Sometimes I fail at this and do something ridiculously stupid. I stand up too fast. I move too quickly. I race off before remembering that I shouldn’t do that. I make plans that aren’t in the best interest of my health. I overdo it and I push too hard.
And, Lord trust me, I laugh at myself when I do. Because one thing I HAVE learned fairly quickly is to have a little patience with my own learning curve.
We don’t unlearn 42 years in the matter of months.
So…it’s an adjustment.
I’m adjusting to my new normal and to a new way of life.
At the same time I’m learning who this new me is going to be.
And I am ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY REFUSING to make any plans for the future until I know who I’m going to be and what that future holds.
So, it may get a little messy sometimes. I may need help getting up sometimes…both physically and emotionally…
But I have a feeling that, if you can just excuse the mess of the adjustments that are in progress, we’re all going to see a pretty cool finished project at the end of the adjustments.