Nothing to Offer

I’m pondering two statements that I have made in the past couple of days.

I don’t add any value.

I’m afraid I’m going to lose my friends.

Both of these were in regards to taking a step back from the fitness portion of my life.

Both are…legitimate fears…while simultaneously…completely asinine.

I’m going to address the second first. The friends that I’ve already lost since all of this started…they didn’t run until I pulled inwards. They never told me that I have nothing to offer and I was worthless to them…but I was afraid that they would have no use for me if I couldn’t do the things we’d always done…so I pulled in…and they eventually gave up. THAT is why I’m afraid I will lose people.

When I feel like I have nothing to offer I remove myself from the equation before I can be removed. Because I legitimately do not know why anyone would want to be around me if I have nothing to offer other than…me.

When I said that I don’t add any value…same thing. If I can’t do the things I’ve done…if I can’t shoulder the world and take care of everyone and everything…then what value is there to anyone to have me around?

And that’s what I’m struggling with.

I feel so disconnected from the world sometimes because I know that I’m different. I know that I’m easy to walk away from. I find connection through shared experiences, beliefs, and interests.

And when I lose the ability to be a part of that…

When I feel like I have nothing to offer…

I feel useless to my people…and, quite often, I hurt them because I’m believing that they can’t love me anymore so I pull in.

I need to learn how to show people I still love them even when I’m afraid that they can no longer love me.

Because, no matter what, love is something I can offer and is value added.