This was in my memories this morning at a rather ironic moment in time. I’ve been railing against God’s plan and begging Him to let MY will be done…to let me have the path that I want to follow instead of the one that He has for me. For someone who has so much faith, I’ve been refusing to have faith that He knows what’s better for me than I do.
So…the more I kept pushing to keep the life I’m used to, the more He pushed to show me why I can’t. Culminating in me seriously pushing my heart way too far yesterday morning and chest pains that almost sent me to the hospital. Ok, God. I hear you. I’m going to kill myself if I don’t listen. Soooo…I decided to take a step back (for now) from my beloved FiA. No more runs with my friends. One beatdown per week (because my AO is my baby). No putting myself into situations where my stubborn ass won’t slow down.
Because that’s the heart of it all…I don’t know how to NOT push and slow down…and I’m afraid of what I will lose if I do. Will I lose friends? Will I lose respect? Will I lose self love? I don’t know. And that terrifies me. But, God needs me to slow down…and He needs me to take those risks and have faith in His path. So…I’m trying. In ways that terrify me. And in the biggest way that I feel like I could lose almost everything I love about my life.
Ok, God. Your will be done. Let’s see what you’ve had in mind.