Today is a rough day. I haven’t felt well for days, I’m feeling a bit hopeless about the future, I’m feeling like people are better off without me around…I’m JUST close enough to the bottom to feel all the pain, but JUST high enough off the ground to decide that that’s the best time to try to turn it around.
So…This is me..
Turning On The Light.
So, please don’t mind me while I attempt to shed some light on the things that are eating at me. Sheri Style.
I feel like shit. Thanks to how I’m feeling physically, I’m getting more sleep than ever! I’m exhausted. Not as exhausted as I would be if I didn’t get that sleep I just mentioned! I’m overwhelmed by homework. I’m on my second to last semester…the workload is heavy…but the end is in sight. I’m honestly terrified by what’s happening to my body and I’m feeling like people don’t want to hear about it. In 3 weeks I see some of the best doctors in the world. They definitely want to hear about it…and maybe even help me feel better.
‘m starting to feel like I don’t know who to trust or who cares about me. I have 3 people that I know care about me and I can trust. That’s more than some people get in a lifetime. I can’t do all the activities I love to do. I’m being forced to slow down. Which is good for my grades and my relationship with my daughter. It’s also good for my heart…on a physical level AND an emotional one as I’m being forced to deal with things I haven’t dealt with yet. The amount of things that keep coming at me is overwhelming and I don’t know how much more I can take. God is trying to show me that I’m not fat or he wouldn’t want to have to carry me so much. There are too many things out of my control right now and that scares me. I’m finally starting to come to terms with the fact that “God helps those who help themselves” and “Let Go and Let God” CAN live simultaneously. I’m scared that my body is failing for good. The fact that I’m scared shows me that I don’t want to die. There have been times in my life when I thought I did, so this is a good thing. I’m feeling like a lot of people only want something to do with me if they need something from me or because I make them feel good. Now that I’m down, I feel like they have no use for me. I’m learning that I can’t be everything to everyone. Nor should I be. And those who only want something from me shouldn’t be missed. I’m afraid I’m going to be single forever. Cats like me.
So, there we go. Some silver linings. Sheri Style. Now I’ll just keep coming back and reminding myself of these things.
Everything happens for a reason…and until I can find the actual reason for the past year…I’ll just keep turning on the light when I find myself in the darkest of places.