There have been little things I’ve been holding onto as my life has been changing with this new heart issue.
I’ve had to slow down my running. A lot.
I’ve had to give up my solitary time in the woods for now.
I’ve had to admit to needing to sit after standing too long in a store.
I’ve had to make appointments and take medications and change little things in my life.
I’ve had to ask for help.
But, again, there were little things I was holding onto. Like maybe…just maybe…this wasn’t going to be my life forever.
Today I gave one of those away.
My last volunteer code for a Spartan race. Seems silly, right? Who cares? It’s just a race.
It’s not just a race.
Obstacle Course Racing was a big part of my #EffYouLymeIWin movement. I was never supposed to be able to do those, but I did. I did things the doctors said I would never do. There were parts I couldn’t succeed at, but I could damn sure try. And I wasn’t winning any elite races, but I was out there doing things and beating the odds.
The pinnacle of that, for me, was the Spartan. Getting out there…getting my ass kicked…and happily laughing and yelling AROO!!!!!! the whole way.
That code…doesn’t expire. I could use it this year…I could use it next year…I could use it at any time for my next Spartan.
But…I gave it away.
Because Lyme was one thing. Certain parts of me hurt or didn’t work…but I could still get out there and try.
POTS…POSTURAL Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. Again…POSTURAL. That says it all. I can’t even go from laying down to getting out of bed to go to the bathroom without feeling like I’m going to pass out. I definitely can’t go from running…to climbing…to crawling…to running…to…you get the point. That’s a whole lot of postures and a whole lot of up and down.
It’s just not possible. And it never will be.
So…that’s what I feel like I just gave up. I gave up the hope that my life will ever be 100% what it was. I’m going to get the right doctors. I’m going to get the right medications. I will get certain things back, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. But they can’t cure it…which means certain things will never be done again.
I am no longer Spartan.
And I’m ok, but yeah…now it’s real.