I’m Trying

I know that I’m disappointing people left and right lately.

I’ve been told I’m not the person I was a year ago. I’ve been told I’m not fighting hard enough. I’ve been told I’m fighting too hard. I’ve been told I’m not staying positive. I’ve been told to stop being so positive and making jokes. I’ve been told that I’m pushing too hard physically. I’ve been told to try harder. I’ve been told I shouldn’t be so open. I’ve been told I need to be more vulnerable. I’ve been told I’m not asking for enough help. I’ve been told I need to take care of myself.

I’ve always joked about #YoureDoingItWrong , but I feel like I’m doing everything wrong.

But I’m trying.

I AM still me.

I’m still stubborn and refuse to give up. Even if you don’t see me fighting because you’re not there for that part. I’m also learning to be more accepting. Even if you don’t see the modifications and compromises I’m making.

I’m still positive and finding silver linings constantly. Even if you were there for a breakdown, that’s not the always. I’m also being realistic about the fact that some things have changed and not for the better. Even if you were only there for the jokes I’ve made about falling down.

I’m still open and vulnerable about the fight. Even if you saw me struggling to find the words. I’m also learning that sometimes it’s ok if I can’t find the words.

I still take care of me. I have to. Even if you saw me ask for help. Because I have learned, more than ever, to accept help. Even if I couldn’t ask you for it.

I’m trying.

I’m pushing.

I’m positive.

I’m real.

I’m me.