Some people look at this picture and see a tarot card. I look at it and see what was my life.
I spent many, many years doing the hermit thing. It was safe. If I didn’t let anyone too close…I wouldn’t find out again that I wasn’t enough…or that I was too much. If I didn’t lean on anyone…I wouldn’t fall. If I went ahead and made myself alone, I didn’t have to find out the hard way that I was alone anyway.
Don’t get me wrong. I had friends. They all lived in the computer. If I thought I was annoying them, I could close the screen and it was over. If they decided they didn’t like me they could just hit the little X by my name. No muss, no fuss.
But…for in person contact? Well, let’s just say I had my headphones in A LOT. (Even when they died and there was no music. Lol)
I won’t pretend it was the best life…but it was safe. I needed safe.
Then…I dated this dude for a little while. Through him I met a world of people who didn’t live inside the computer. They could…like…touch and hug me and shit. (And, boy oh boy, do they like to do that.) Suddenly…my world was very, very different. Much less safe, but also more full…but, again…less safe.
These were people that couldn’t just hit an X to make me go away. These were people that I could disappoint and annoy. These were people who could hurt me if I let them too close.
I love these people. Some of them are some of my best friends in the world. Through them I even met someone who’s pretty dang important to me. So, like I’ve always believed…everything happens for a reason. God put me on this particular path for reasons. And I can’t regret that, even when the close proximity of the real world hurts me. Which it does all of us. But…I got really, really good at avoiding that hurt…I got really, REALLY good at running before anyone else could.
I was a damn good Hermit.
So, now…sometimes my instinct is still to run. When someone hurts me…when people want me to lean more than I can…when I feel like I’m too much or not enough…
I want to run. I want to be The Hermit again.
I wish I could say it’s easy for me to fight that feeling because I love my people so much.
In reality? It’s harder to fight that feeling because I love my people so much.
If I run first…then they don’t get to abandon me, right?
But I AM fighting it. In baby steps. Sometimes I may hole up, but I don’t allow myself to disappear.
I don’t allow myself to fully reclaim my title of The Hermit.