Yesterday I stopped being a bitch.
You think I’m joking, but I’m not. I’ve been a fairly raging bitch since the end of last year.
Why? Because it felt like everything was suddenly spiraling out of control. One thing after another after another after…well, you get it.
One of my greatest fears is the loss of control over my own life.
I know why I have this fear. I earned this fear. When your whole life, even your name, is ripped away from you at 10 years old…you either crumble or you become a person who finds ways to make sure no one can rip the rug out on them again. I did the latter.
But, yesterday…when I got a little more control back on one of the issues I’ve been facing…it was this weight off of me. I suddenly felt the ability to…well…stop being a bitch. Something so stupid as getting a walking boot off…
But it was a sign that I wasn’t losing control.
Which, got me thinking. You guys…
I have more issues than a magazine stand. We all do.
And, for many of us, our issues lead to fear…usually logical fear based on our lives…but fears that completely hold us back and control us.
My fears are loss of control, being abandoned by people I love and trust, and that I’m unlovable. I’m afraid I’ll disappear and no one will notice or care. Every single one of these fears is tied to my childhood. Every single one of these fears is logical based on my own experiences.
Every single one of these fears is holding me back.
By being afraid of losing everything, I lose the ability to enjoy what I have. By fearing abandonment, I hurt myself by waiting for it. By being afraid I can’t be loved, I sometimes don’t give people the chance to prove me wrong. By being afraid to disappear, I fight a constant battle between wanting to disappear and being too in your face so I’ll be seen.
But if life has taught me one thing besides what to fear, it has taught me…
I am stronger than my fears.
I don’t want to be held back by these fears anymore. I don’t want to cower before what might come to be. Could it all happen again? Yep. That’s life. But will I survive it? Yes. I only need to remember…
I know I can survive my fears coming to fruition because I already have.
So. What are you afraid of? How is it holding you back?
Are you ready to be stronger than your fears?