.

I know I don’t write much these days. This year has just been…a lot.

A lot of work.

A lot of fear.

A lot of stress.

Watching the love of my life battle cancer…battling my own health issues…working nonstop…

And, on top of it…I’ve finally really been digging in and dealing with my trauma and facing things long left unfaced.

Yesterday I broke.

Not in the crying hysterically way. That would have been slightly normal at least.

Nope. I was utterly calm.

I woke up.

I deactivated all social media.

I got in the bathtub thinking, “I should have clean hair for this…”

And I sat in the bath and planned out the best way to end it. I settled on drinking a giant cup of coffee and going into anaphylactic shock. That way it could be considered an accident and Bella would still get the life insurance. I, so calmly, thought of all the ways it would be better for everyone.

Weirdly…the one person that I couldn’t find a way to convince myself it would be better for is my boss. I’ve put all the stress of the years into work…and we don’t have the people right now for me to not be here doing that.

That was the thought that made me keep going. That work would suffer.

Which is a whole extra layer of my fucked up brain…the only reason to keep going when things get that bad…is so I don’t inconvenience people.

So…I got out of the tub…got back in the bed…pulled the blanket over my face…and snuggled with my puppies and worked all day. Once again…buried myself in work.

I’m a little better today. Still numb. But more in control of, “Can’t do anything permanent. Total inconvenience to other people.”

But I just want to sleep. And I want to wake up and find out that FINALLY my life will stop falling down around me.