I’m Ready…To Live Again

Over the past week, as I’ve begun to see actual improvement from my heart surgery…and I’ve started to feel more alive…more ME…I’ve realized that certain losses hurt much less when I don’t count myself amongst the lost.

That probably sounds ridiculously obvious, but, when you’ve consistently lost in life, it may be one of the hardest things to remember. And, let’s be honest. I know loss.

But I also know gain.

I’ve lost health and gained perseverance.

I’ve lost love and also gained love like I’ve never known.

I’ve lost friends and gained people who are more family than some with blood ties.

I’ve lost safety…I’ve lost security…I’ve lost…

…Well…I’ve lost myself.

There are a lot of losses you can come back from through luck or circumstance. But, when you lose yourself?

The only way to come back from losing yourself is through a determination to begin living again…and to begin that living by being 💯, unapologetically, YOU.

And that’s where I’m at.

There are things and people that I’ve lost in the past couple of years that have left, for better or worse, an indelible imprint upon my soul and heart. I think it’s ridiculous that people think it’s STRENGTH to pretend those losses don’t hurt. The fact that it hurts to lose means it mattered. And what’s the point of connection if it doesn’t matter?

But I’ve also gained people and things I wouldn’t give up for the world.

And the more I gain back my health…the loss of which was the catalyst for many more losses…the more I find the one person I missed the most.

Me.

I missed the person who trusts and loves all (from afar…personal space, people!).

I missed the seeker of adventure.

I missed the eternal offerer of support to all who needed a shoulder.

I missed the woman who refused to hear and accept the word NO when she didn’t like the odds against her.

But I’m finding her. And I’m ready to BE her. In all her loud and loving and brave and compassionate and vulnerable ways.

And, most importantly, I’m ready to allow people to know her again.

I’m ready…to live again.