Last night an amazing thing happened in my world…at one of my low points…when I was feeling most lost and alone…most confused about whether I am the person I want to be…the person I’ve always been proud to be…my friends rallied.
Let me explain the background on that before I go into detail.
I’m pretty open here…so it’s no secret that for the past little bit I’ve been making a conscious effort to face my own trauma…my own toxicity…my own…well…deepest fears and what they are doing to my life.
Here’s the thing about finally dealing with things. You guys…IT. IS. MESSY.
Some days I’m a ray of sunshine. Other days…I’m a shaker of salt. Just call me the Morton’s Girl, cause I’ve got salt for you! Some days I’m on top of the world. Some days I’m carrying the weight of the same world on my shoulders…and NOT gracefully.
Scabs and scars and layers of bandages…they all have to be ripped up…and you finally have to bleed until the poison exits your bloodstream.
The poison hasn’t left mine yet.
So…I’m still bleeding. Sometimes alone…sometimes *waving vaguely* E’erywhere…
I’ve lost people because of it. That just is what it is. While I don’t like seeing people I ever cared about physically bleed, I’ll be the first to sit there and help them through emotional bleeding. On the flip side of that, some people can staunch the physical wound of anyone, but they can’t handle the emotional flow of blood. And that’s ok.
On the other end of the spectrum…I’ve lost people who were never really there. They could only love me and consider me wise and good if I was of benefit to them. Bleeding and broken…I’m really no good to them. This is also ok…although less likely to be allowed near me when I LEVEL UP! to my healthy happy version of me. 🤷♀️
The problem is…because MY particular trauma is very rooted in a history of not being considered worthy or loveable by the important people…I tend to lose myself in the disapproval of others. I start thinking, “Wow…they must be right…I suck…I don’t deserve any better…I should just be grateful for whatever I’m handed…I. Am. Unlovable.” (Honestly…I think we all get drawn to those people who help us recreate our trauma that is still unfaced.)
After kinda making myself bleed with my own blog post yesterday…followed with therapy…and in conjunction with my heart hurting over some of the people I’ve lost…I WAS BLEEDING ALL OVER MYSELF and I couldn’t remember a damn thing that anyone could ever possibly love about me.
So…first I wallowed. And then…I decided to be vulnerable…and I posted on my Facebook page…
“Full disclosure…I just flat out need a pick-me-up tonight. So…tell me one positive of having me in your world? Even if it’s just comedic relief. Lol“
Part of me expected to be ignored altogether. I mean…kind of attention-whoreish, if we’re being honest. 🤷♀️😆 But mostly…I already mostly knew who wouldn’t respond…because they’re not social media addicts like some of us, or because they didn’t really have anything nice to say and would choose nothing at all, or because they legit don’t like me and sure as hell aren’t going to help me. So, yeah, I was pretty secure in who wouldn’t answer. For those that I figured WOULD answer, I figured it would be mostly laughs and jokes because that’s often the reaction my posts are going for.
I was caught off guard on both parts.
Some people that I never would have expected a response from came out of the woodwork. And almost everyone took my request quite seriously.
Rather than jokes or backhanded compliments, what I received was heartfelt sincerity. People reminisced about times I had made them feel important at low times in their lives. People said I make them think. People brought back WAAAY BACK examples of ways I showed them kindness. I was told that I make some smile on days when smiling doesn’t come easy. I was told that it’s my mixture of realness and humor that brings something special to their world. I was told that I’m someone who has made them feel like someone relates to who THEY are. Even the ones who commented on how I bring nerdiness and jokes…they meant that as a heartfelt compliment. (Seriously, I am a loud and proud nerd!)
I woke up this morning…I saw the outpouring of love…the sincere desire to show me that I make their world a better place…and I felt…more light…more loved (other than by my boyfriend who always reminds me how much he loves me ❤️)…more seen…more ME…than I have in quite a long time.
The only response I could even come up with was this:
“So, what I’ve gotten from this is that what I bring to people is true friendship, kindness, love, hilarious/snarky humor, nerdiness and math. In short, to the people who matter, I am exactly who I want to be. This makes my heart happy and is honestly exactly what I needed. I’m struggling wayyyyy too much lately with feeling like I’m failing, but I’m not failing the people who love me. Thank you, guys. ❤️“
So, yeah…thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I’m still me. Thank you for showing me that the people who love me see ME… not their own version of me…but the ME that I’m proud to be.
Really, I think we all need that sometimes. ❤️