Thank You

Last night an amazing thing happened in my world…at one of my low points…when I was feeling most lost and alone…most confused about whether I am the person I want to be…the person I’ve always been proud to be…my friends rallied.

Let me explain the background on that before I go into detail.

I’m pretty open here…so it’s no secret that for the past little bit I’ve been making a conscious effort to face my own trauma…my own toxicity…my own…well…deepest fears and what they are doing to my life.

Here’s the thing about finally dealing with things. You guys…IT. IS. MESSY.

Some days I’m a ray of sunshine. Other days…I’m a shaker of salt. Just call me the Morton’s Girl, cause I’ve got salt for you! Some days I’m on top of the world. Some days I’m carrying the weight of the same world on my shoulders…and NOT gracefully.

Scabs and scars and layers of bandages…they all have to be ripped up…and you finally have to bleed until the poison exits your bloodstream.

The poison hasn’t left mine yet.

So…I’m still bleeding. Sometimes alone…sometimes *waving vaguely* E’erywhere…

I’ve lost people because of it. That just is what it is. While I don’t like seeing people I ever cared about physically bleed, I’ll be the first to sit there and help them through emotional bleeding. On the flip side of that, some people can staunch the physical wound of anyone, but they can’t handle the emotional flow of blood. And that’s ok.

On the other end of the spectrum…I’ve lost people who were never really there. They could only love me and consider me wise and good if I was of benefit to them. Bleeding and broken…I’m really no good to them. This is also ok…although less likely to be allowed near me when I LEVEL UP! to my healthy happy version of me. 🤷‍♀️

The problem is…because MY particular trauma is very rooted in a history of not being considered worthy or loveable by the important people…I tend to lose myself in the disapproval of others. I start thinking, “Wow…they must be right…I suck…I don’t deserve any better…I should just be grateful for whatever I’m handed…I. Am. Unlovable.” (Honestly…I think we all get drawn to those people who help us recreate our trauma that is still unfaced.)

After kinda making myself bleed with my own blog post yesterday…followed with therapy…and in conjunction with my heart hurting over some of the people I’ve lost…I WAS BLEEDING ALL OVER MYSELF and I couldn’t remember a damn thing that anyone could ever possibly love about me.

So…first I wallowed.  And then…I decided to be vulnerable…and I posted on my Facebook page…

“Full disclosure…I just flat out need a pick-me-up tonight. So…tell me one positive of having me in your world? Even if it’s just comedic relief. Lol

Part of me expected to be ignored altogether. I mean…kind of attention-whoreish, if we’re being honest. 🤷‍♀️😆 But mostly…I already mostly knew who wouldn’t respond…because they’re not social media addicts like some of us, or because they didn’t really have anything nice to say and would choose nothing at all, or because they legit don’t like me and sure as hell aren’t going to help me. So, yeah, I was pretty secure in who wouldn’t answer. For those that I figured WOULD answer, I figured it would be mostly laughs and jokes because that’s often the reaction my posts are going for.

I was caught off guard on both parts.

Some people that I never would have expected a response from came out of the woodwork. And almost everyone took my request quite seriously.

Rather than jokes or backhanded compliments, what I received was heartfelt sincerity. People reminisced about times I had made them feel important at low times in their lives. People said I make them think. People brought back WAAAY BACK examples of ways I showed them kindness. I was told that I make some smile on days when smiling doesn’t come easy. I was told that it’s my mixture of realness and humor that brings something special to their world. I was told that I’m someone who has made them feel like someone relates to who THEY are. Even the ones who commented on how I bring nerdiness and jokes…they meant that as a heartfelt compliment. (Seriously, I am a loud and proud nerd!)

I woke up this morning…I saw the outpouring of love…the sincere desire to show me that I make their world a better place…and I felt…more light…more loved (other than by my boyfriend who always reminds me how much he loves me ❤️)…more seen…more ME…than I have in quite a long time.

The only response I could even come up with was this:

“So, what I’ve gotten from this is that what I bring to people is true friendship, kindness, love, hilarious/snarky humor, nerdiness and math. In short, to the people who matter, I am exactly who I want to be. This makes my heart happy and is honestly exactly what I needed. I’m struggling wayyyyy too much lately with feeling like I’m failing, but I’m not failing the people who love me. Thank you, guys. ❤️

So, yeah…thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I’m still me. Thank you for showing me that the people who love me see ME… not their own version of me…but the ME that I’m proud to be.

Really, I think we all need that sometimes. ❤️

Published by jazzhandsmom06

I'm just a girl in the world...that's all that you'll let me be.

4 thoughts on “Thank You

  1. Absolutely!!! Yes!!! I love 1) that you were brave in reaching out for encouragement on your FB and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and 2) the response from your friends 💗 that’s what TRUE friends do, they lift you up and remind you who you are in your lowest times when it’s almost impossible to feel worthwhile.

    Sooo proud of you and sooo happy it all worked out. Hooray! Praise God. I hope today is a great day for you xx

    Like

  2. I lost pretty much all of my people a few years back when my life didn’t go like they thought it should. It was a lonely time of depression and deep emotional pain. But I realized that, kind of like you said, they were never really there in the first place. I’ve found a new tribe now, and they love me and are there for me when I need them.

    And that poison…ugh. I still wrestle a lot with the fake Christians that abandoned me in that difficult time, with the family that didn’t talk to me for a year and a half, with the fact that I was lied to daily for sooooo long by the one person who was supposed to be on my side. I still don’t know what to do with it.

    There’s this hatred in me. I don’t like it. I don’t want it there. I’ve prayed that it will go away. So far it’s still there. Maybe in time it’ll go away. Or maybe it’ll lessen gradually. I don’t know. But I get what you mean about the poison. It’s tough to deal with.

    I’m glad you’ve got such love in your tribe. Surely that’s an encouragement worth holding on to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been exactly there. Sometimes I am still there. So, please know I’m speaking to myself as well as you. The anger is so normal. “How could you tell me you love me and then walk away when I need you most?” I won’t go into my own details here because I honestly try not to hurt anyone who may read my blog. But…I know. There are moments that I am SO angry about people telling me they loved me and I was like family or their best friend…and then they left when life got messy. I watch their lives happily moving on like I never mattered. It hurts. And it’s horrible. And sometimes I sit there and think, “you spout of God’s love and Jesus saving…but you’ve forgotten to love like He asked us…you’ve forgotten everything when it comes to me…this person who disappeared because she didn’t matter like you swore she did.” BUT, like you…I have a tribe. A tribe who loves me…who never stops supporting me…and who deserves better than for me to allow the poison of that anger to take any joy from what I have now. So…I have those moments…and then I center myself as I remember all of the love and support that I do have…and I pity them for losing a very loyal and loving person in their lives. My heart is full and I will continue to work on myself and grow and suround myself with love…and they will continue probably living their same cycles again and again. Just as you will (the love part, not the cycles. Lol). And, in that way, we win our self respect back…and have no reason to hold onto anger for people who decided to be temporary blips. Relish in that. Every moment you spend with people who truly love you…relish the moments of love instead of the anger. And I’ll try, too. ❤️

      Like

      1. Usually I’m ok. Usually it’s not an issue. Usually I don’t typically dwell on the hurt. I used to, but not anymore. I’ve got WAY too much going on to sit there and wallow in memories of the past and all the people who hurt me. But some days are harder than others, and the memories and the hurt come rushing back to the surface. I’ll focus on the love I have around me and on letting go of the anger. That sounds like a good plan. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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