Letting Go has been the theme of my year. But…my view on it has been evolving over that time.
In my life, I have usually been guilty of holding on for too long. Not for myself always, though. The usual reason for my monster grip on things (especially people) was that I didn’t want to be wrong about them and hurt them by letting go. So…I would try and and try and try and try…and try and try and try and try…and then…I would do the ever famous “INFJ DOOR SLAM”.
What’s the INFJ Door Slam? It’s a specialty of my personality type…we keep trying until we’re so defeated…we slam the door and there’s no coming back. The relationship is dead, buried, and…to be honest…mourned before we ever even got to that point. It’s done.
So…WHY? Well…I can only speak for myself here, but it may resonate with others. I was taught to doubt any of my own feelings or instincts that MIGHT cause me to hurt someone. It didn’t matter how much I was hurting…if it was a choice between ME hurting or someone else hurting…I was taught that I should be the one to suffer the pain.
WTF, right?? Lol
So, I would hold on and hold on and hold on and hold on…and suffer…and suffer…and suffer…and then…BAM! FUCK THIS SHIT, I’M OUT!
What if it didn’t have to be that way?
What if my holding on was hurting someone else, too?
What if I had let go gracefully and naturally…and it saved BOTH parties from hurting?
This is the epiphany that I have had.
I’ve always thought I feared abandonment more than anything, but…
The reality that I’m finding through finding myself and facing things this year…
I don’t fear being disliked. I don’t fear being unpopular. I’m actually quite ok with both. I don’t have to be loved by all…or even most.
What sends me into a spiral is when words and actions don’t match…when someone says they love me but I don’t feel love…when someone says they’re there, but it feels like I’m alone…
When people hold on when they should let go.
That’s it. That’s the base root of my anxiety. Knowing in my gut that someone doesn’t want to be there, but stays anyway and swears it’s because they love me.
That dichotomy of words and actions. I can’t handle it.
And yet…aren’t I guilty of the same?
By holding on, in fear of being wrong, I am the person in someone’s life who stays…long after it becomes apparent that I don’t want to be there.
In an effort to never accidentally hurt someone…am I actually causing more damage?
They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. We can’t keep everyone forever. That’s not the way its supposed to be. (And holy shit, can you even IMAGINE trying to maintain strong relationships for a lifetime with EVERY PERSON YOU’VE EVER KNOWN? My introvert side shudders at this thought.)
Friends (even the best of friends)…lovers…whatever…maybe they’re forever…or maybe they’re for a season…where you each gain something from knowing and loving each other…but then it’s time to find out what else is out there.
Letting go doesn’t mean you didn’t love them…it means that you DID and you’re now allowing each other to fly.
Maybe one day that flight will bring you back…maybe it won’t…but letting go before the door slams is what allows you to hold onto that love and those happy memories.
So yeah…it’s ok to let go…it’s ok to fly away…and, sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is release someone before you hurt them by holding on too tight.
And now I leave you with the quotes I DID find that I loved even if they weren’t quite what I wanted to say. ❤️
/scene *Jazz hands*