It’s funny. I had part of this blog planned out before I saw that memory from two years ago. Now it’s going to be a mix of all my thoughts. Weird, right? Sheri posting a jumble of thoughts? Whodathunkit?
So…a few years ago…I found myself. I didn’t do a lot of peopling…because I tend not to fit…but I had come to peace with that and had honestly really started to be happy with who I was. I had what I called “the weirdest self confidence in the world…I love me…I just don’t expect that anyone else will.” 🤷♀️
But…over the past almost 2 years, I lost that somewhere. I started trying to fit.
I started putting myself around round holes…and, me being oval, kept trying to JAM myself into those round holes to show that I could fit just as well as the circles…but I’m not a circle. I just kept battering myself…but it just couldn’t work.
This weekend I spent approximately 17 hours in a car. I’m a firm believer that you can solve world peace on a road trip…or you can work yourself up into starting WWIII…it could go either way. 🤷♀️😂
Today I pretty much hit WWIII…AND World Peace.
First…I got really freaking mad about feeling like I don’t fit. Mostly at myself…with lots of, “it’s not supposed to be this HARD!!!”s thrown in. Then at people who make me feel…less than…for being an oval.
But something also occurred to me.
Grace. We all deserve some grace.
It is not my fault that I don’t fit. It’s not theirs either.
You see…when most people were learning how to “fit in”…I was being hidden. I wasn’t allowed to have friends really…we didn’t even have a phone. We were on the run and being popular wasn’t good for that. So…I was by myself a lot.
When people were learning how to socialize away from their parents…I had just been found not long before that…and I didn’t even know who I was and knew everyone else saw me as the weird kidnapped girl who was too shy to speak.
When people were learning how to interact with the opposite sex…I was struggling with my past and present…and being consistently told that I wasn’t worthy of any form of attention or love…
When people were getting married and making healthy forever choices, I was finally escaping abuse and trying to learn who I was.
And all I learned was that who I was…was really weird…and didn’t fit.
It wasn’t my fault that I didn’t fit.
It wasn’t their fault that they didn’t let me fit.
Just as now…it’s not my fault that I don’t fit.
It isn’t (always) their fault that they look at me like I’m a science experiment rather than a person.
But…that girl…who said that to that guy 2 years ago…man, she didn’t give a flying fuck if she fit. She was awesome and anyone would be lucky to know her.
I’m going to find her again. No matter what it takes.
I’m finding my way back to grace.