So, we’re going to play a little game called, “Sheri is probably about to find out REAL fast which ones of her friends are reading her blog…”. (You guys…don’t shoot me…it’s a good thing…and I promise that I’m not getting back with the Sponge…)
I did a thing today.
I’ve been harboring A LOT of anger lately. As in…most people would be surprised by how much anger this tiny little body can hold. Which sucks, because I HATE the way anger makes me feel and I tend to avoid it at all costs. But, lately…it’s been eating me alive.
Not anger at one thing in particular. Just anger.
But, anyone who knows me well knows that a good chunk of my anger usually involves my ex that we call Voldemort or SpongeBob.
This morning I woke up to an email from the weight room under the sea (aka SpongeBob). He had been vacillating about sending it for months apparently…but he wanted me to have his son’s senior portraits because he knew how much I loved his son.
I saw the email and felt the usual anger. But…I really did want to see the pics…and I couldn’t figure out how to open them. So I emailed him back asking what program to use.
We started talking. And I realized something in all of the words that he shared.
As much as I had anger towards him for what he did during our relationship…he had more anger towards himself. He lost his best friend by his own actions. That really has to suck to know.
So…I told him I forgive him. I told him I don’t want him to hate himself. I told him I’ll always have love for my best friend, Bruce Banner….it’s just “the other guy” that I swear when I think of. I told him to let that other guy go…but also to let that anger go.
I told him the truth about the reasons I had hated him. Not because of what he did with the cheating…but because of the gaslighting and convincing me that I was crazy and the one to blame. I didn’t hate him for what he had done, but I had hated him for me losing myself and me becoming a person who let him tear me down.
And in that moment of trying to make him feel better…because I realized that some people seek forgiveness when they are ill…and some seek to forgive…
I realized that I was also forgiving myself.
I forgive myself for being weak.
I forgive myself for losing me.
I forgive myself for forgetting that love is wonderful, but you can’t love someone else so much that you stop loving yourself.
I forgive myself for the past 6 years…the years where he hurt me…and the later years where I continued to hurt and punish myself for what had happened.
I forgive me.
And, as freeing, as that feels…it makes me realize that there are other circumstances I need to forgive myself for. They aren’t people that I can let near enough to me to talk to them…and I don’t have to condone what they did…ever…but I can forgive myself.
I can forgive myself for holding onto pain.
I can forgive myself for being too small and weak to save myself in those moments.
I can forgive myself for trusting others with my heart who didn’t deserve that honor.
I can forgive me.