Hi, my name is Sheri. Welcome to my Twilight rants.
I started a little habit about 5 years ago. When I’m feeling down, I like to binge watch the Twilight movies. Let me tell you, there is NOTHING like watching these train wrecks to make you feel better about yourself and your life choices.
Now, let me say. The books were actually really good. But Bella Swan is still a dumb bitch. Even in the books.
First, what teenager is ever going to say, “Sure, Mom! I know you fell in love with a younger man and don’t want to be a mom anymore! That’s TOTALLY cool! I’ll just go live in this town that I despise and let you relinquish all responsibility for spitting me out of your vag! But you’re still the best mom ever!” No. That’s not a thing.
Next up. First day of school. Every guy there wants her, in spite of her weird little scowl, but who does she want? The weird pale guy who looks at her IMMEDIATELY like he wants to kill her. Hello, Date Line? Yes, I have your next trailer park murder story lined up.
So, dude disappears for a few days…comes back…”Oh, baby. I’m sorry I was so mean. I like you. I hate you. I’ll save you. I’ll discard you. You mean everything. You mean nothing.” Codependent Party of One… “LET ME LOVE YOU!!!!!”
We find out he’s a stalker…want him more…find out he’s a vampire… “BUT, I LOVE HIM!!!!” Deal with numerous near death experiences in the company of him and his family. *dreamy eyed* “They’re the best people I’ve ever known…”
Then, he abandons her. Gone. Like he never existed. So what does this bitch do? SITS BY HERSELF FOR MONTHS SENDING EMAILS TO A FAKE EMAIL ADDRESS. She has lost her mind. She’s literally talking to herself at this point.
Cute werewolf best friend falls in love with her. “Oh no, I couldn’t be happy with you…you don’t want to eat me!!” (Actually, that part…I mean…ummm…)
So…let’s go jump off a cliff so we can hallucinate!!
Oh no!! My emotionally abusive, whiny ex boyfriend has a plan to kill himself? Let me fly to Italy and face MORE people who want to kill me!
And for the finale, we will now spend over a year of, “Make me a monster.” “No.” “How about now?” “No.” “What if I…” “No.” “Then I’ll make someone else.” “No.” “Oh yeah? Then I’ll just get knocked up so you HAVE to keep me forever!!!”
Seriously, Bella Swan belongs on Jerry Springer taking a paternity test and clawing out the eyes of a barbie for looking at her mans.
But…this never fails. It always picks me up as I watch, in abject horror, how much worse my life choices could be.
And if that does fail you? Just do a shot every time she does something dumb. You’ll be so drunk within the first 20 minutes you won’t feel anything.