Finding My Heart

I am all heart. I always have been. It is my greatest strength…and my greatest weakness.

If I give you my heart, you’ll always have a piece of it. If I ever loved you, I still do in one way or another…even if I have to do so from afar. If you ever broke my heart, that lingers as well.

I’ve talked before about how I do nothing in half measures. That includes…maybe even especially…my heart.

So, I find it rather ironically hilarious that it’s my heart that doesn’t want to work right anymore.

Literally or figuratively.

I can’t find that whole hearted person I was a year ago. I can’t find that woman who truly had started to believe that she could be loved by those around her. I can’t find the hopeful heart that believed everything was going to be ok.

And…dude…I can’t even find the heart that physically works right for the things I love to do.

So…I’m finding my heart.

In the middle of a maze…surrounded by detours of hurt and confusion…mis-led by doctors who are kind of dumb (seriously…one told me it’s ok to run alone because I’ll probably pass out some but he’s not worried I’ll STAY unconscious…. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️)…a little cracked…a little worn…beating irregularly…

My heart is still in there. My whole heart. The heart of a woman who will never give up and will always find beauty in the world…it’s still there…I’m still her.

Physically, I’ll rely on the Mayo Clinic doctors. I will trust that they can help me be the woman I was even six months ago. I will believe that they will fix this and let me be the woman that I love…the one that I believe others can love.

For my emotional heart…I take baby steps. I take small steps away from things that are hurting me. I take steps towards the things that make me happy. I focus on being able to recognize the difference.

I will find my heart. In the middle of that maze…in the mess that it is currently surrounded by…I will find my heart AND the strength to hold it no matter the storm.