Forever and Almost Always

Oof.

I was just going through my old Google photos and suddenly I realized that that is the one place that still has pictures of me and the ex that we call Lord Voldemort (because he shall not be named).

Those pictures still hurt.

Have you ever really and truly believed that you were finally given the chance to be with your best friend? That moment when everything is perfect…they love you more than the world…they talk about your future wedding…they plan a future with you and the kids and nothing will ever break you apart…and then they take it all back?

I have.

Have you ever had the small comments meant to make you feel lucky they even stay with you? “I love you…but if you ever get fat again we can still be friends…”, “I know I said we’d get married, but I don’t know…I guess we’ll see…”. “Kinda mean that you caught the bouquet…if those other women have to wait for you to get married first, they’re never getting married.” “I mean…the extra skin from your weight loss isn’t exactly a turn on…but if I ever marry you, maybe I’ll pay to have it removed.” “Of course I love you and want yo be with you forever…why are you questioning that? You’re so insecure.”

Can you tell I have?

Have you ever lived what was once a dream come true and had turned into a nightmare? A nightmare where you KNEW things weren’t right…but you were so broken down that you believed them when they told you you were nuts?

Yup..I have…

Have you woken up one day and these lyrics felt WAY too close to home?

I got out. With zero confidence, zero pride, and a shell of who I had been going in.

And I’m better for it. That relationship and how low it brought me is why I went back to school…it’s why I gave myself time to heal and really get to know who *I* am so I would never lose myself again.

I’m proud of who I’ve become.

I finally believe again that I am worthy of love. I finally got back what I allowed him to take.

But…yeah…BIG oof on those pictures…

I never again want to feel that Forever and Almost Always kind of feeling again.

Published by jazzhandsmom06

I'm just a girl in the world...that's all that you'll let me be.

One thought on “Forever and Almost Always

  1. I feel this deeply every day. I’m the guy that loved my wife when she was her happy weight, her unhappy weight, her debilitating medical conditions and when she could go all night smiling. I loved her when she was laughing and when she was crying, I was her “Ride or Die” guy. But in the end it didn’t matter, she saw a lie that looked like a greener pasture and I wasn’t doing well so I got burnt to the ground and he got the healthy, “lost all the weight” girl! I got to endure her tough times with her and my tough times without her while Mr Greener Pastures got what I had hung in there for! He got the rewards and I got the disregard, sustain and discard. “Weeee let’s go do this again

    Like

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