The First To See ME

Someone I love very much passed away a couple of weeks ago. I haven’t been ready to talk about my grief…I’m still not, tbh. But what I *am* ready to talk about is how important and wonderful he truly was. Because…I’m ashamed that I never told him this while he was alive…and I think we need to tell the world when someone is so important to us.

I met Johnny when I was 20. I met him because he was a friend of my older brother’s, but he almost immediately became my person.

Before Johnny…especially, back home…people didn’t see ME. They didn’t see SHERI. They saw Chris’s little sister…Michele and Tommy’s sister…Gino’s daughter.

They cared for me, but they didn’t love ME.

Partially because I could only seem to be seen as an extension of others. Others with bigger personalities…others who were cool…others who were popular…etc. In retrospect, partially because I was so used to not being seen, and I was so afraid of everything, I never let anyone see the real me.

Johnny changed that.

It all started in one of those, “We’re in our 20s. Let’s be stupid.” things. Lol I had gone to a small party with my brother…and…he (my brother) was wasted. Lol (Not a judgment…he was 22…everyone was wasted…lol) An acquaintance needed a ride home and I offered to drive him. (Funny story about the picture above…even back then, I wasn’t a drinker…but I had learned to carry around a beer so people would think I was drinking and get off my back. Lol) ANYWAYS, Johnny offered to go with me. As we’re driving back, he say, “Hey…I’m going to fuck with your brother…just go along with whatever I say…” *snort* An opportunity to mess with my drunk brother? I. Am. In. 😆 So…we walk back into the party. Obviously my brother had already passed out at some point, as he had a giant penis drawn on his face. 😆😆😆 Johnny looks at him.

Johnny: “Dude…Chris…I just fucked your sister.”

*my brother swaying and looking confused*

Chris: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Holy shit. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced…”

C: “What??”

J: “I’m trying to tell you I nailed your sister.”

Me: “I’ve never seen anything that big in my life.”

C: *still swaying* “Dude…you owe me money.”

*momentary crickets*

Me: “Are you trying to pimp me out????”

C: “I’m getting something out of this deal!”

You guys…from that moment, Johnny and I had our personal joke and our relationship only grew from there.

Johnny SAW ME. Johnny didn’t only hang out with me around those other people that I was an extension of. Johnny knew me…even the crazy antics I love being a part of…and liked ME. The more he knew me…the more I knew him…the closer we got.

In some ways, Johnny was the great love of my early 20s. He had his demons. So did I. So that part never could have worked. There were times we both wished it would. But, I understand now why it never could have. But…even then…we were still so freaking tight. I spent more time at his house than my own. We talked about EVERYTHING. When I got sick, he was there. When I had to get the picc line put in…he went with me and teased me about “allllll the blood!!!” (there wasn’t all the blood, he just enjoyed messing with me)…because he didn’t want me to have to go alone. When I broke my face (don’t ask lol), he came over every night and played board games with me. With Johnny…I was never alone.

And it wasn’t because of *what* I was…it was because of *who* I was. He saw me…the good and the bad…and still wanted to know ME.

I hadn’t really had that before. It meant…and still does…more than I ever told him.

Because of Johnny, I started letting the world see more of the real me. The funny me. The smart me. The parts of me that I thought no one cared to know. They did…Johnny had shown me that.

Because of Johnny, I also started to see that I didn’t have to hold ALL the sad thoughts in. I could talk to someone about them…and they wouldn’t leave.

Because of Johnny, I learned to allow others to know and love me.

And I never told him that.

He knew I loved him. I know that. But he never knew that he was the first one to give me the strength and confidence to let the world see me.

Over the years, we had less contact. That’s the way of life. I moved away, but I always went to try to see him and check on him when I went home…but I haven’t been home in years. The phone conversations slowed…social media happened, and we stayed in touch, but life keeps moving…and it did for both of us.

And…now he’s gone. And I can’t tell him these things.

But I needed to tell someone.

I needed someone to know…Johnny existed…Johnny mattered…SO MUCH…Johnny gave me strength and courage and confidence.

And when someone gives you all of that…you should really make sure you let them know…you should tell the whole world…I know this amazing person and you should know about him, too.

I didn’t do that. My sister is the only one who knew all of it…so, honestly, she was the only one who knew to reach out to me (I was on a social media break) because she knew how important it was that I know.

I should have told the whole world. And I didn’t. And for that, I’m ashamed.

So, I’m telling you now.

RIP Johnny. I hope that you knew how very much I love you and how very much I’m grieving you.