This is something that has been weighing on my heart for a very long time. Possibly most of my life, but definitely the past year. It’s time for it to come out.
You probably wonder why I call you that. You may even wonder if you are a Nope. You…singularly…are not. You…with other women…maybe?
A “Nope” is what I’ve always called large groups of women. Those groups that you see having lunches together. Those groups you see having large girls nights out. Those groups that you see doing life together.
Why do I call them a Nope? For two reasons:
- Nope, I can’t deal with the cattiness that comes along with that many times. (I’ve always had a theory that someone who will gossip to me will gossip about me.)
- Nope, they don’t want anything to do with me anyway.
So…Nopes…here’s what I wish you knew.
- I wish you knew that I constantly feel like I’m on the outside looking in.
- I wish you understood that, even if I’m not like you, I still have worth…and, if you gave me a chance, you just might like me.
- No, I don’t have a husband.
- No, I don’t have small children.
- No, my teenager has no urge to be a prom queen.
- No, I don’t own a fancy car and spend my evenings at soccer practice.
- Yes, I do have a highly inappropriate sense of humor. Yes, I do everything to the extreme because I’m passionate and I care.
- Yes, I have anxiety and so I either talk to much or not at all.
- Yes, I have feelings.
- And, mostly…Yes, I know you don’t like me…even when you try to hide it.
Just as you wish that people could see you for who you are, I wish you would give me the chance to show you who I really am. I’m obnoxious, when I care too much not to be. I’m loud, when I’m fighting for what I believe in. I joke too much, because laughter is a bright spot in dark days and I want to make everyone I come across have a better day today than yesterday. I overshare because you never know who NEEDS to hear your story so they know they’re not alone.
Nopes, I don’t think you’re bad people. I think you have hopes and fears and hearts that feel everything…maybe a little too much, just like me.
But I think I scare you. I am the epitome of everything that you are afraid to be…and maybe a little bit of what you wish you were. I challenge your happy little bubbles and your beliefs that all pegs must fit into the same hole.
But…Nopes…I never tried to hurt you, upset you, offend you…Quite often, on an individual level…even if you have hurt me…I’ve tried to be the voice of reason when others are hurt by your actions. Because just because you don’t like me, doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be liked.
I wish you felt the same way about me.
I wish you didn’t feel the need to gossip about me. I wish you didn’t feel the need to ignore me and shy away as if you fear my life is going to rub off on you. I wish that if there is a real reason you don’t like me and that I’ve done something to hurt you, that you’d tell me so we can clear the air and try again.
I’m not ever going to fit. I know this. I will always be slightly on the outside looking in.
But, maybe could crack the window just enough to let me be a little part of it?
Except the gossiping. That will always be a nope.
The Invisible-Ish Woman