Warning: Shit’s about to get real up in here. Lol
Everyone knows I’ve been having blackouts from POTS. The thing is, although each one has been scary… each one has also fueled me further in a, “the fuck you *will* take my life from me” capacity. Each one has pushed me further in my drive to not give up. Until today.
Today was THE Blackout.
(Quick segue; As I’m writing this, Walk Like an Egyptian came on. 🎵 They’re falling down like a Domino🎵 I feel attacked. 😆😆)
I was going to meet my friends for a run this morning. Like I do. I got there 30 minutes early to get in a little solo run time. Like I sometimes do. I set up my training program. Like I do. (Noticing anything yet? Everything like I do…because I will not succumb to this illness…) I gave it my all (like I do…) for what was supposed to be a 15 minute training run.
And then everything changed.
Around minute 14…things started swimming. I only had one minute left…I couldn’t bring myself to give up…I kept pushing. It was like running through molasses. Everything was slow motion…my legs felt like cinder blocks. I have never felt a minute take so long. I felt my watch indicate that my run was done…and I sat on a curb…right as everything went black.
Honestly, that still probably wouldn’t have stopped my stubborn ass. But the rest has me thinking that things as I know them are over.
As I sat there (I honestly have no idea how long…no longer than 5 minutes, I’d guess)…as things eventually started to come into focus…I saw my friends start to arrive. It was like watching a movie. I could see them all driving by where I was…no one could see me. No one knew I was down for the count. I couldn’t get up to go to them. The world was still too topsy turvy. So I sat there. Watching each one arrive. I finally managed to find my feet, but not my head. So, like a slo-mo scene, I walked towards where we park. And I saw my friends starting off on their run. I knew they figured I was just being my stubborn self and that they’d find me…but all I could see was them running away…as I watched…unable to even think clearly, much less be a part of them. And it clicked…this is my future. Slowly watching people keep going without me…sitting alone where no one can even see I need help because I’ve spent so much of my life telling everyone I don’t.
So, once I got my bearings, I left. Shortly thereafter one of my best friends texted me that they were looking for me, as I’d suspected, but…it hasn’t changed the tears and the fears.
This wasn’t just a blackout. This was THE Blackout. The one that’s got to change everything because I’m on my way to collapsing on the side of a road…alone…with no one to even notice or care.
And that’s where I’m at this morning.
A little more broken. A little more scared. A little more alone.
And not understanding why this had to happen when 6 months ago I was in the best shape of my life.
I just don’t understand and all I can do is pray to God for support, strength, understanding, wisdom, grace…and help.