Sooooooooo…how’s it goin’? 😉 I know I haven’t written much in a pretty long time. But…this time it’s because I’ve been trying to learn to live again after losing Aaron.
I *am* starting.
I had a rather transcendent experience at Warped Tour last November that gave me the push I needed to get my life back in action.
Since then, I left my job that I’d been at for 22 years…to finally go somewhere where I could have TIME to live. And that’s been pretty cool. Scary. And, quite honestly, humbling.
I spent a lot of years being one of the best at what I do. In my opinion (and the opinions of those close to me – even my old boss), I still AM one of the best at what I do. But, Lord….proving it to a whole new set of bosses?
HUM…BLING.
But it’s a new environment…and more chances to find actual…life…in my life again.
I’ve tried dating a couple of times.
Bad results.
Horrible.
Honestly, has reminded me that I think I’d rather be alone.
I’ve made a few new friends at work…I made up with a best friend that I’d had a 3+ year falling out with…and I’ve truly worked harder at leaving my house instead of wallowing and crying about what I’ve lost.
But I still remember every bit of what I lost.
And, while it still has the ability to bring me to tears…the memories have also been like a radioactive spider that keeps biting me to remind me that losing Aaron gave me one very cool superpower.
My give-a-fuck is completely broken.
The girl who used to spiral over every disagreement, misunderstanding, and microaggression? The girl who has spent her whole life being ready for the danger…the abandonment…the manipulation…and the guilt…and blamed herself for every little piece of it?
She’s with Aaron now.
But Super Sheri?
That’s a whole different story.
Now…I can still be hurt. It’s a lot harder, but I can be. But, when I am… I’m not blaming me anymore. I’m not spiraling in anxiety. I’m just flat-out pissed the fuck off for however long I need to be…and then I move on…usually without the person who decided my boundaries weren’t important.
I’m not chasing people anymore.
I’m chasing my own peace.
I still have to deactivate Facebook sometimes (it’s currently deactivated for a few days), but not because I’m spiraling in anything. Just because…well…if I’m being honest…the world is REALLY loud these days.
And I don’t want to give the shitshow we’re living in my peace.
I can be hurt, but I’m honestly not sure if my heart can actually be broken anymore.
My family and the loss of Aaron have both shown me what heartbreak actually is.
Everything else?
Just noise.
Noise that I’m ready to respond to with, “Nah. You hurt my ears. Bye.”
I’ve always been unbreakable, but I’ve rarely given myself full credit for it.
Now…I’m like a jawbreaker.
Try to break me.
It’s only going to hurt you.
Some people will read this and think, “Sheri’s lost her mind.”
That’s fine.
Those aren’t my people.
My people know that finally getting here…gaining this superpower…being unbreakable (even to myself)…this is the greatest gift Aaron ever could have given me…and one that, I have a feeling, has him cheering on in Heaven like a new GI Joe movie just came out.
And knowing that I’m living in a way that would make Aaron proud?
That’s enough.
*Jazz Hands* Mom 