Dear Aaron,

I think you’d be proud of me. I’ve been finding my way back to life lately.

Bella and I took that trip to Warped and…it kind of pushed me out of my fear. (I should probably mention that I found myself talking about you a lot that weekend. Like I was trying to bring you on the adventure and remind the world that you had lived and were loved.)

You can thank Lizzie for most of that. That “friend from the pit” who told me, “Everything is only scary the first time”. I know you know who I mean. After she convinced me that 46 years old was the perfect time for a first time crowd surfing experience (she was SO right!), she told me you were watching and you were so proud of me. I’m choosing to believe her. It sure felt like she was right. I really felt you there.

I don’t know if you saw the other two parts of that weekend that solidified my resolve to try to live again.

The first was literal moments after Bella, Jazzy and I went our separate ways the first time on Day 1. I made a beeline for Charity Circle (you know that’s how I roll). And, of course, my first stop was To Write Love On Her Arms. There were a man and a woman working the booth. I started looking at shirts and the lady came to talk to me. I told her,

“I need you to know that this was my first goal for the day. Finding this table. My daughter made an attempt almost 4 years ago. And, because of organizations like yours, she’s 19 now and thriving in a pit down the way. I always try to support your organization to give back. So I had seen you were here this weekend and knew I had to get over here. Plus…you know…no shipping on this shirt!”

I vaguely heard the man speak then, “How is she now?”

You know how when mens’ mouths open, I just assume they must be speaking to someone else? Yeah, I did that again. (In my defense, at least this one wasn’t asking me out like when I usually become completely oblivious. 😆)

So, he stepped in front of me. “How is she now?”

“Oh! Me?! Sorry! She’s doing so great. The first year after that was pretty rough. She got into some trouble. A lot of fighting. But…then I met this guy (his eyes light up) that I fell in love with (huge smile from dude)…and she loved him as much as I did…”

“That’s so great!”

“Yeah. I really feel like he changed everything for her. But then he passed away on New Years Eve (you should have seen his eyes)…so we’ve been kind of grieving…but this is our big planned trip and we’re here together…and…Jesus…I don’t know why I’m crying! I’m happy today! I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

The look on his face…”You’re crying because it’s real life…and it’s really fucking hard. But I have to ask you…you’ve told me all about her…are YOU ok? Are you talking to someone?  That’s a hell of a 4 year run.”

I have to tell you. That was the first moment I said it all in one breath. The first time, when I put it all together, someone looked at me with the pure compassion I never look at myself with. It woke me up like nothing had before that (this year lol). Like, “Holy shit. When I lay it all out like that…why have I been so hard on myself about not being able to “just smile and be happy”?

Seriously, it’s not a moment that I knew I needed until it happened.  You know I hate pity and I’ve had to run from that a few times. But, this wasn’t pity. This was pure compassion and acknowledgement that I’ve survived an awful lot since 2021.

The other moment was on the way to the festival on Day 2. (Seriously, what ever happened to camping at the event?? Can you talk to someone up there about a new commandment coming down or something? Plzkthnxbai?)

We were waiting for the shuttle. (Stop laughing. Yes, I hate taking shuttles when I can walk perfectly well. We didn’t on Day 1. But none of us could walk by the end of Day 1. 😆) I started chatting with another woman who was waiting.

She was telling me that it was her first festival alone and that she was facing her fears head on. I told her that I got that and told her about you.

Her response floored me. “I’m so sorry. I get it. My boyfriend died 3 years ago in a plane crash.”

“I’m so sorry that you understand. I wish no one had to. It’s weird…everyone wants you to rejoin the world and be happy again and…”

“And you have no idea how to do that when you feel like you don’t even know who you are anymore and like life already passed you by.”

Ho.lee. shit. Seriously…I couldn’t believe I was hearing MY FEELINGS come out of this woman. She was maybe early 30s and absolutely drop dead gorgeous. All this time…I’ve been telling myself that I must be feeling these things because I’m older…I’m not in the shape I was….I wasn’t attractive anymore…and life had already passed me by. It turns out those feelings are normal and not indicative of me being on my way to being that urban legend widow in the woods.

Mind blown.

Anyways, sorry this is so long. It’s not MY fault I can’t text you all of this as it happens. 😛

So. That was Warped. Between those experiences and spending a weekend back in MY world…with MY music…and MY people…I decided I was determined to keep it going.

Since then I’ve been out with Amber (and didn’t even try to bail!), have been traveling for work and actually TALKING to people again…and…I went on a date.

I know you said you wanted me to. I hope you meant it. Because it feels like I’m betraying you. Even as I simultaneously find joy in life, it feels like a betrayal.

I honestly didn’t mean for it to happen. It was late…I was alone…and decided, “Ok. Everyone keeps telling me that Aaron wanted me to find Love again. I don’t believe that’s possible…but I’ll go window shopping for guys. No intent to purchase. Just see what’s on the racks these days.”

Baby. It’s ugly. I’m not even going to lie. I only responded to one person (and have, since, already hidden the profile from anyone I hadn’t already matched with). So. Many. Shirtless. Gym. Pics. Which reminds me, thank you for never being that guy.

I did get one message that made me proud. “You’re cute. More attitude than I’ll ever put up with again. But you’re cute.”

Stilllll got it. 😁 You know I love making lesser men cry. 😆

No! That wasn’t who I went out with. That one went right to trash after my little mental hair flip. 😆

But, like I said, I did get one message that made me do the intrigued head tilt. I decided to respond to him. We chatted for a day or so…and then I told him about you and told him that I meant it on my profile when I said I had no idea what I was doing other than window shopping. I kinda figured he’d run for the hills. He didn’t.  He still, apparently, hadn’t. I’m assuming you understand that since you never ran…but it’s still feeling a little foreign to me. 😆 But…anyways…it was a really good date. Mexican and an arcade. (I know, right? Dude knows how to play to his audience!) And then a whole lot of talking. Honestly, you two would be friends. It was kind of weird how much you had in common. Lol

Will it go anywhere? God knows. (No, like really. Go ask him. You can do that now!) But I don’t know. Lol But I had fun. And I like him. So time will tell.

But, that led to a whole new situation with Bella. She had told me she wanted me to get out there and even date. She fully supported me going out with him.

Aaron, I hope you know how much that girl of ours loves you.

She was panicking that I wasn’t home. She kept texting and calling to make sure I wasn’t dead. To be honest, I thought she was just being Bella. I didn’t realize the depth of what was happening with her that night. And I’m kind of ashamed of it. Like maybe I don’t deserve the “mom” in the dot Com.

When I talked to her the next day, she was pretty pissed off at me. But, being Bella, didn’t really want to talk about it for about another 12 hours.

After that, she came to me and asked about my date. But…you know how I read the emotions in the room…she was asking because she thought she should, but she wasn’t comfortable with the conversation. So, I asked her if she was really sure that she was ok with me dating. She swore that she was but admitted that it was weird. “Because it’s not Aaron?” “Yeah.” “I get it. It’s weird for me, too. Are you SURE you don’t need me to wait longer?”

“I’m positive, but…maybe next time check in more before I start to panic. I was really convinced you were going to die.”

I was shocked. You know how purposely hyperbolic she is sometimes. I thought that’s what she was doing the night before.

No. Apparently, Bella has been afraid that I wouldn’t come home since the day you didn’t.

She promises she’s been talking to her therapist about this, but I’m worried. She’s been holding all of her grief in. Refusing to talk about it except with her therapist. And I’ve tried to respect that. And, in doing so, missed this very big thing.

So, we made a plan. She wants me to continue to date. But I’m going to be checking in more intentionally…and I’m not going to bring anyone around until she’s more comfortable with it. These both felt like very fair commitments to make.

So, yeah…I’m living. And, as I remembered, life is messy…but also pretty glorious when you let it be.

But now…the real reason I’m writing this long ass missive tonight.

It’s December.

Tomorrow it will be a year since they told you you were terminal.

In two weeks it will be a year since the last time you were home with me.

Christmas will be your birthday and a year since I got to see you conscious and speak to you in person.

And New Years Eve…yeah.

I’m going to do my best not to let the month of anniversaries derail me. I’m going to keep trying to see friends. I’m going to be present with Bella for the holidays. And, yes, I’m going to go out with him again if he asks.

I’m going to try to honor you by living the life you asked me to live.

But sometimes…on nights like tonight…it hurts. And I miss you.

And I just really hope you’re not mad at me up in Heaven.

Because, yes… I’m still the “Are you mad at me???” girl. Some things never change. 😆

Love,

Sheri