What I Lack In Hearing and Social Skills…I Make Up For In Communication

Let me preface this blog. I wrote a different blog earlier. That blog is now deleted at my daughter’s, rather reasonable, demand. You’ll see why.

I, halfway jokingly, often say that I don’t have a passive-aggressive bone in my body. All my bones are aggressive. 😂

But, truly, I believe that communication can save most true friendships and relationships.

Lack of communication will kill them dead.

Does absolutely every blessed thought you have need to be said out loud? Absolutely not. Please don’t do that. Ever. Bad things, man. Bad, bad things. (Ask me how I know.)

But, if something is really bothering you or, worse, bothering you for multiple days? Say something.

If you don’t, you’re running the obvious risk of eventually snapping.

Moreover, you’re assuming that you’re right.

You are literally sitting there obsessing or hurting over something that someone you love said or did…that you potentially misunderstood.

Do you always misunderstand? Hell no. And if someone is trying to make you believe that you’re *always* misunderstanding, JUMP SHIP. That’s called gaslighting. We’re all wrong sometimes, sweetheart. We’re also all right sometimes.

ANYWAYS…This is one of my quirks. I do obsess and let things fester if I don’t handle things in one very particular way.

1. I write it down. Maybe here. Maybe in a notebook. Maybe ranting in a text to a friend. Maybe in a private Facebook group of very close friends. I get it out.
2. After I get it out, I try to push it to the side. If it goes away easily, I was just reacting out of gut instinct…but I’ve realized I’m not quite on the right side of it. (This result happens more often than not.) If it keeps coming back, I need to move to step 3.
3. Calmly (always wait until calmly) tell the person that I want to explain to them why I seemed…whatever it was that I seemed in the moment…I’ve been told my eyes give me away every time, so they already knew. Tell them, “I really don’t believe that you meant this this way.” (Remember, this is someone I love and trust, so I don’t believe they mean to hurt me.) “But, when you said this…I heard this…and it really hurt.”

This can go two ways. Either they listen, and you communicate and clear the air. Or they refuse to listen and get angry…and you should reflect on why you trust this person with your emotions (or they’ll just dip, which…much to my chagrin, I have to admit…was probably them doing you a favor in the end).

I trust more accurately these days, and I’ve never been a person who will pretend.

If I don’t like you, you will know I don’t really like you. I don’t have tolerance for fake. I’ll also always be kind and would give you the shirt off my back…but you’ll still know I don’t like you. I don’t know any other way to be.

But if I DO like you, then our relationship is more important to me than my pride. It’s more important than any potential hurt feelings. I know that not communicating, even when I’m hurt, is death to the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t exactly my most endearing quality, even to those who love me…but they accept it because they understand. If I’m coming to you to tell you that you hurt me…then I trust you and love you enough to be vulnerable. That simple.

WELL. Here comes the prior blog part. (Excited? Did I build it up enough? It’s like when you’re just trying to find out how to make fried chicken. You have to read about someone’s first marriage and how that bastard cheated before you can get to the recipe. No? Just me? ANYWAY….moving on…)

I had a feeling today that I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced before. I honestly don’t even have a name for it. Maybe…Sapiness? Not like, “I’m being sappy”. But a simultaneous feeling of happiness and sadness. (Hapness? Ha-penis? Tried to find a word…found that a common word is an insult to some dude’s small peen…)

Good God, I didn’t take my Adderall today.

I was hanging out with Bella. She is my 19 year old daughter, for those of you who haven’t known me for years. I was talking to our (Aaron’s) big fat orange boy kitty (that says it all, right?), Excatibur (Exi for short…The King’s Blade…). I was telling him how much his daddy had loved him. I then looked at Bella and said that I missed him.

Here’s where things get screwy.

She said, “Oh”.

What’s funny is I then wrote a blog. A blog about ALLLLLLLLLLL the different uses of the word “Oh” and how every use carries a different punch. I…ummmmmm…haven’t drank the wrong punch like this since a bad frat party in college.

I took the “oh” to mean, “Can we end this conversation. I am uncomfortable.” Now…to my credit, I was right. Girl does NOT do feelings. What I misunderstood was what came after.

I’m 46 years old. Sometimes, I think my hearing is just not what it used to be. LOL

I asked Bella if she had talked to her counselor at all about Aaron. “A little.” OK…”Are you kind of feeling like you’re over it?”

WHAT I HEARD: “Uh-Huh.”

WHAT SHE SAID: “Nuh-uh.”

I mean…I thought she said she was over losing him.

I was…sappy? had? I don’t know, but I was something. I was THRILLED that she was feeling so centered with everything. My first reaction was to be happy that she was doing well. My second feeling was sadness. Sadness that I was truly alone in my grief now. Sadness that Aaron had been so easy for her to move passed. Sadness that I would hold our memories of him alone now.

So. I wrote it down. I wasn’t angry. Just to be clear. I was filled with…hadness?

I wrote it all down. I re-read it a few times over the next few hours because it was still weighing on me.

I asked her if she wanted to come talk (we’ve been a little snappy with each other today…).

She walks in. “Yes?”

“Do you want me to explain why I’ve been…whatever…for the past few hours?”

“Sure…”

“I’m really happy that you’re doing so well. But it made me a little sad, too, to know that you’re over Aaron’s passing.”

“WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! WHEN DID I SAY THAT?!?!?!” (We embrace all words in this house. 😂)

“Well…when I was saying I miss Aaron…and you said, “Oh”…and I could tell you didn’t want to talk about it…so I asked about therapy…and you said you’ve talked about him “a little” which made me think you don’t need to talk about it anymore…so I asked if you were over it and you said, ‘Uh-huh.'” (The Blog Gods are yelling at me for a run on sentence, but I really do speak in run-on sentences when I’m nervous.)

“I said, ‘Nuh-uh.'”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh….” ~ #Whoopsiedoodle

“YOU’VE BEEN MAD AT ME FOR HOURS FOR SOMETHING I DIDN’T EVEN SAY???? Bitch…”

Yeah…I kinda deserved that….

Yay, Communication! Go Team! *cartwheel* *jazzhands*