Out of Order: Embracing Solitude for Peace

I deactivated my Facebook profile again.

I used to do this in a very unhealthy manner. I told myself that I was doing it to control my anxiety. Which is true…I did. But, I’m realizing that I also hoped that people would notice I was gone and care. (The anxious spiral: No one cares. Must run. Want to know if anyone cares. But terrified they will not. Wash, rinse, repeat.) Considering this is something huge I’ve been working on in therapy…I’ve worked very hard lately, in all aspects of life. I am focused on not allowing myself to have conversations where I’m hoping for a particular response. I also avoid taking actions where I’m dreading a specific response. If I can already feel that one of those things is true, I stop…because I only have control over my own words and actions.

This time is different.

This time, I caught myself feeling incredibly anxious after being triggered last week. Add this to my constant grief over Aaron, honestly, I’m just struggling with extra “noise” lately.

Let’s be real. Social media is 95% noise.

Additionally, I have recognized another action that happens when I am triggered. I revert to needing to say everything…hoping that someone will read it and tell me I’m not crazy or that they validate me.

Validation is, realistically, something we all need. (Yes, I’m even talking to those of you who pretend that you don’t care what other people think…even you want validation in parts of your life…and that’s OK!) That said, it’s not something I should be looking for when I’m triggered. I need to get my anxiety under control. Doing this will help me avoid seeking validation on the “am I crazy” or “AITA” type questions. I need to validate myself. Additionally, I need to only share the words that really need to be shared. Otherwise, people stop listening.

So. I deactivated. To reduce the noise and validate myself and my new path.

I’ll be back. And I’m truly okay. I’m actually more emotionally healthy than I’ve ever been in my life. But sometimes being alone needs to be part of our healing journey.