Shame Shame Shame

Randomness: I’ve been listening to a lot of Brene Brown’s shame research lately. It’s not the first time, but it’s hitting me differently now, as I work on my past. When I read her works before, my instant reaction was, “I don’t feel shame. I don’t believe in regrets, so how can I claim shame. I own my story. I share my story. I AM being vulnerable and shame resilient.” But…as I revisit the materials, I’m forced to admit…one of my defining personality traits is shame.

Things I rarely admit, especially to myself.

I feel shame that my parents were happily married…until I was born.

I feel shame that my mother didn’t take me because she loved me, but merely because she hated my father and loved my brother.

I feel shame that my mother never loved me, but could love my brothers.

I feel shame every time someone makes a joke to me about being on America’s Most Wanted or a joke about a wanted poster.

I feel shame when people joke about my mother going to jail.

I feel shame that I wasn’t what my father hoped to find.

I feel shame that I have too many feelings and can’t “just get over” things.

I feel shame that my stepfather loved me more than life itself…and then decided I wasn’t worthy.

I feel shame that there always seems to be a time limit on how long people can love me.

I feel shame that I don’t know HOW to be a mother and just wing it based on not doing what they would do.

I feel shame that I’m the only person in my family who doesn’t fit.

I feel shame that I couldn’t give Bella a two parent home.

I feel shame that I don’t know anyone else who has seen the things I’ve seen…so maybe I really am broken…maybe I really do deserve it.

I feel shame that I don’t get out and try to have a life.

I feel shame when I do try to have a life…and I feel more alone.

I feel shame that I’ve allowed my illnesses to win…that I’ve gained so much weight…and that I can’t find the energy to lose the weight again.

I feel shame that I don’t have much left to give people.

I feel shame.

Yes. I own my story and am willing to share it. And that IS vulnerable and it IS good because people need to share their stories and connect. But…I think sometimes I share it to avoid the shame…or to go ahead and get the uncomfortable silences and quick exits out of the way. I use my story as a shield against shame. Which can be good when done right…but I still feel the shame. So obviously my methods need to change.

Weirdly, I don’t feel shame that I’ve gotten this wrong so far. So…baby steps.

/randomness

*Jazz hands*