Welp, never meant for this to be a two-part series, but here we go.
I shared the general gist of my Boxes & Eggshells blog with my therapist last week.
She asked, “Instead of putting things in a box with eggshells around it…shouldn’t you be putting the people who made you feel that way into the box? Label it as something bad for you that needs to be locked away.”
Basically, in therapist speak…”Shouldn’t that box be full of people and labeled ‘Bitches’?” lol
I thought about it for a minute…and I pushed back.
No.
“What do you mean no?”
“I mean…many of those topics come with their own eggshells. It doesn’t matter WHO I’m about to talk to…I am already on eggshells even considering talking about those topics.”
“Explain…”
“OK…reality check moment…As always, I maintain that my trauma was not “worse” than anyone else’s trauma. Trauma is trauma.”
“I’m familiar with your take on this…” (“Hurry up, Sheri…we only have an hour here…” lol)
“Ok. My trauma is not worse than anyone else’s trauma. HOWEVER…my trauma is more rare. I’ve said this before, and I’m still waiting to get shot for my take on this, but…The best example I can use is rape victims. They have been through something MUCH WORSE than what I went through.”
*therapist interrupts me* “I’m not sure I would agree it’s worse than what you went through…”
“OK. Either way. Whether I’m right or you’re right, it’s a moot point. I say that because sexually is the one way I was never violated.
The point is this…a woman who has been a victim of rape… *I believe* is worse than what I went through. But, sadly, she can walk into any room of 20 women. Based on statistics, 10 of them will have been through the same. She can, if she chooses to be vulnerable, talk about her trauma and she WILL find other women who understand. Again, that’s not a good thing. BUT…the point is…I can’t do that. The only time I’ve walked into a room, where even ONE person had experienced what I’ve experienced, was when I was part of an adult research group for parentally abducted children.”
“OK…I think I see where you’re going with this…”
“Probably. Most people with trauma can find a safe place to talk about it where they won’t be questioned or…probably…judged. For me, those topics will always come with eggshells. They have always come with shock, questions, judgment, or all of the above. Hell, you’re the only therapist I’ve ever had who didn’t make the surprised guppy face when I told you my story. In short…the eggshells are not the fault of the person I’m talking to. They are already there. En masse.”
After that, she agreed. In part. But she still wants me to also address my habit of letting the wrong people in. She keeps telling me that I hope to rewrite my childhood by having someone, usually emotionally unavailable, finally understand…and tell me I’m still worthy and loveable, despite my cracks.
AND she wants me to acknowledge that I can’t just box up the feelings that make people uncomfortable. They are my truth…and they are valid. They can be in a box that is for special people at special times…but not untouchable.
And…apparently, I need to add a 4th box. “Bitches”. That box doesn’t even get eggshells…it gets a combination lock…where someone else holds the combination…and I can’t ask for the combo so that I’m not tempted to take the bitches out of the box.
Which sounds like a great catchphrase… “Don’t take the bitches out da box.” #OnIt
*Jazz Hands* Mom 